Erieau Hot Couple of the Week 01/24/06

Hello History Channel Watchers!

I'm sad to report to those who didn't know, the only way Ken Bell's going to Ottawa is on an eco-tour. We were pretty bummed but we did celebrate an increase in percentage of Green Party ballots with a bottle of Cuervo Gold and a big cannon in the Mexican Hot tub after the votes had been counted.

Ok, let me just say "you go Smarty!" to the anonymous blog fan who sent in the waay "condensed-milk" version of the village history! Perhaps they can sign in and let us all know the real reason why the train doesn't come to Erieau anymore or about village life back in the 1970s or why every kid who grew up in Erieau has been shot by a pellet gun at least once. BTW, Gunner says the word around Kathy's is that our village anthem may soon be recorded and burnt onto cd. Apparently Jerry, the composer (music and lyrics) is in contract negotiations with Bob Seger who also wants to record it in a medley/round with "Fire Lake" and "Turn the Page". The Rondeau Fishing Tackle Choir is going to be the backing vocals instead of the Silver Bullet Band....hot! Erieau's own Tuna-Flavoured Mermaids are recording a Weird-Al-typed satirical knock-off called That's Why the Ganja Bus Doesn't Come to Erieau Anymore. It'll only be released in Trinidad though.

So we've made this week's Erieau Hot Couple of the Week into a contest. Go to the Dirty Bar and identify to your waitress, these 2 dancing queens who were caught getting their freaky freak-on at the Caddy last weekend and a free smelt platter is yours...complements of Potato (employees and their families are not eligible). Here's a hint. The happy couple is into Korean cars, Canadian Idol, self hypnosis and donkey punches. They're Village Royalty man! She's not even mad that he macked her mother a few times first. Good Luck and if you win ask for extra tartar sauce.

Later Freaks....coz those who don't learn from their history are bound to repeat it.

Rock the Vote...Turkeys.

Hello Warriors of Democracy!
It's time once again to head down to the Firehall and cast a ballot. Come and say "Hi" to me. I'll be upstairs in the library, playing online strip poker on the mighty Vic20s. I hope they turned up the heat, I'm not much of a card-shark. We all want Ken Bell, the "home-town hero" to be livin' large in Ottawa but don't try anything funny to rock the vote. Margie B. is the Deputy Returning Officer and Robbie D. is her little Ballot Boy. They'll totally kick your ass if you try and mess with the workings of our electoral process. DO NOT STUFF THE VOTE BOX even if Ken Bell has Spitooey put a voodoo hex on you. You totally should vote for Ken though. If you are undecided, here's the address of his official Blog:

http://greenpartyken.blogspot.com/2005/12/typical-sunday.html

If he wins, he's having a big, organic champagne and muesli celebration at his party head- quarters, the laundromat in Pardoville.


So I went to the crazy Month-End Meat Draw Extravaganza (Blenheim Legion, Br. 28), along with the rest of the village. VIllagers did not have much luck at all. All I wanted to win was the jumbo bag o' smelt or the $100 tanning certificate (George Hamilton rocks!), but I got SFA. Pilbeam was the luckiest village-type mo'fo' in attendance. She loaded the bitchin' Safari with a prime grade-A turkey cooker to take back to Kingsville. She's invited everyone down to Buck and Cookie's back yard for an elegant al fresco smelt fry when the May spawning season starts. Then we can go to the Fog Cutter for apperitifs....fancy!
Finally, the word is the Big Bowl off is March 4th. Stu's ready for us. The team from the 'hood is already selected and they think that they can beat the Ghetto bowlers, but we got bigger balls in Erieau.......

Erieau Hot Couple of the Week 01/17

Hello Gnome Liberators,
The Caboose is secure. It's amazing what fly strips and sheet metal can do to block a doorway! So dudes, I have dash out a quick post today because Richie and I are going shopping for new bowling shoes as Erieau Bowling Night is quickly approaching. Richie likes bowling shoes because they have the size on the back. He always wears 3 sizes bigger to impress the ladies. You know what they say about the brothers with the big feet..... I'm totally looking forward to rock n' bowl n' throw a salt shaker through the window night...almost as much as Stew, I bet. This year we want to have a bowl off: Ghetto vs. 'hood vs. Trailer Park.....try and out roll us Jim & Shannon and BKF! Poncho Man plays and he once won $23.69 on Bowling for Dollars. He's our favorite local Pro Athlete.

So because it's their anniversary, Potato and Sandra are Hot Couple of the week! They took off to La Belle Provence with the Leprechaun Bouncer dude and company. Everyone's bummed because last year they had a hot party where people lost their jewellry and Trixxxie and Bman both got orange woodys @ 7am and Jimmy V got stuck in a bush (not in a good way). Observe the picture of the happy couple taken on their 21rst anniversary. You can't tell from this picture, but Sandra's usually a snappy dresser ...Looks like she needs to layoff on the Blue eye shadow though. It's too Studio 54 for words! Looks like it rubbed off all over Potato's face.....must have been while they were skipping. Anyway because they have been together for the long haul, have raised 2 kids and a kitty, look after a thriving business and still get naked and drink gigantic beers, I name them Erieau Hot couple of the week! You go Potato and Sandarelli.

Ok the hoppin' Hyundai just pulled up in front of the library...gottta jet....see you @ the lanes.

The Lester is definately on

Hello Donna Martins,
I'm once again behind on my posting what with yesterday being MLK Day. This will have to be a quick posting too becoz the wind is going to blow the door off my Caboose by the Bay. You try and find a replacement door for '58 Chessie CAT!
Here's my concern of the day though, with Lester's coming back to the bay-side boite market, the dirty bar may have to change themes. Here's some signs it might be getting a little too disco:
Top 10 Signs that the Dirty Bar is turning into a Gay Bar:

10. House Drink: Sleemans, for when you just don't like Busch
9. "Office" sign replaced with "Enter through the Back Door"
8. Spitooey dressed in sequined gown every New Year's Eve
7. Jackie's beaver collection replaced with Potato's "Naughty Buoy" collection
6. All Music stations locked out but the Show Tunes Cabaret
5. Crack action in the Men's room not the same as at the Caddy
4. J-Vid switches from slippers to heels
3. It's filled up with trannies and it's not Hallowe'en
2. "Ribs and Mussels" Thursday becomes "Abs and Muscles" Thursday
1. Always on Special: Buy a beer in a bottle, then get it in the can....

Thanks to everyone who dialled in with the Lester's tips. If you've got a time schedule from the proud new owners for openings and spring soirees...send it along.

Ok gotta jet...Fat Jimmyz Kareoke Fridays......coz how many Seger songs can you listen to from the Flea Market.

It's the Wolf Moon...Jack.

Hello Tristadecophobics,

Happy Friday the 13th! It's also a full moon which means that the Werekitties will totally be ripping up the village tonite. It reminds me of Warren Zevon's horrific smash hit, Werewolves of Erieau. I believe it went something like "I saw a werewolf drinking a Lucky lager @ OJs by the bay, and his hair was perfect". It's a waaay rare thing to have Friday the 13th and a full moon fall at the same time. Above is a picture of me and Uncle Krazy the last time it happened. You can tell it was a long time ago because the beer bottle's a stubby and I look waaay younger. Uncle Krazy still looks the same! That's because he uses Creme de la Mer which J.Lo sends him monthly. Good skin is in!

Some people get totally snakey on full moons.Different theories purport that this is because the proximatey of the moon to earth causes a greater gravitational pull on the water in our bodies...much like the moon controls the tides. Because human body masses vary from 79 to 81 per cent H2O, the auxillairy force of the moon in full has different effects on different people. I think people who drink more, have a higher water to tissue ratio, so they get a bigger lunar gobsmack. That's why Erieau is the nuttiest place in the world to be on a full moon. At this year's Harvest moon, everybody in the dirty bar threw their shoes on the roof. It looked like the sale rack at Payless. It's also a well-known fact that it's on full moon nights that Stealing Machine, Rich and Linds do their most prolific garden ornament stealing. They place the gnomes in a Wiccan magik circle in Rich's backyard and chant and cast spells for cheap liquor and unusual porn. Then they jump on the trampoline naked.

Also it's a widely held belief that Spitooey puts VooDoo hexes on anyone in the dirty bar after 11 pm on Friday the 13th. Rusty the Beaver was kidnapped from the bar on a Friday the 13th about a year ago. Perhaps then, this is the day that Jackie gets her beaver back...coz anything can happen on a full moon.

I gotta jet....My mom, Lil, is buying me a Caddy beef dinner for lunch and then BeepBeepHonk and I are going to Rock the Legion Holey Board Tournament...it's all in the wrist, suckahs!

Erieau Hot Couple of the Week 01/11/06

Hello KMart Shoppers,
It appears that last weekend, while I was diggin' the RVs in Michigan, Paris Hilton and her posse were rockin the 'eau. And who did she come to see? Uncle Joe of course. Apparently they hooked in Jamaica and have been mackin' ever since. Paris was at Uncle Krazy's the other day and I asked her why she would leave yet another Greek shipping tycoon for a life in Jackie's basement. She says Joe's hot because he rides a Honda, has a pseudo-Scottish accent and can almost drink as many "tall dark doubles" as her! Paris wants to get engaged right away. Uncle Joe said "Give yer head a shake, girl or I'll dice you up like a little piece of celery". But I still think this is true love. Thus I name them Erieau hot couple of the week! It's so Johnny Cash's "If I were a Carpenter and you were a Lady", I can't stand it! If the Dauphin van's a rockin.......

Ok I gotta dash, I promised I'd take her to the Caddy on a perc run.....
Later Beyotch. (I learned that from Paris).

Whatever Happened to Lester?

Hello PMS Sufferers,
I hope everyone had a fabulous weekend. I went to Michigan for a big RV Show and Monster Truck Rally at the Silver Dome. It Rocked! However, I came home to find someone has stolen the Talking Gnome from my front porch....damn BMX Mafia! Gunner says that Chrystal told him there was some kind of progressive cocktail party based on Jules Verne's fledgling tome "Around the World in 80 Days". Word is "snaps" should be given as follows: Best Decorations: Mexico, Best Music: Thailand, Best Geography Report: Belgium, Best Food & Liquor: Moldova (where is that?), Best Place Where Everyone Could Smoke Indoors: Canada (Ironic isn't it?) and Best Live Theatre: Jamaica! Apparently Crazy Mary hit the Moldovan buffet like an SS IcBM. ...and I thought the cold War was over!

So I ran into the some people from the TrailerPark (pictured above) at the RV show, no surprise. We went and had some SilverDome Monster Beers together, which reminded me of the many cocktails we all had at the now defunct (not P.Funk'd) Rondeau joint, "Lester's On the Bay". Lester's was kind of a nutty place because the owners liked to fire it up equally as hard as the trailer folk. One night, Poncho and Dan B ferried us over from the Ghetto to Lester's, and the owner, MK, road a horse through the middle of the bar. It wasn't godiva style, but nonetheless! Another night the same lady fell into Rondeau Bay wearing her nightgown after a hefty jibber, Sleeman and Grand Marnier combo platter. One time, I was there and the bartender got tired or wanted to go score a happy bag or her Paxil had kicked in, so she left us the keys to the bar and told us to write our drinks on our tabs and lock up before we left. That's a once in a lifetime opportunity for someone like me and the kind of programme I think they should implement right here in the Ghetto!
Lester's was always at its most fun about a half an hour after "Official" Last Call. This is when the Rondeau Fishing Tackle Choir would fire up their renditions of classics such as "Whip it out at the Ball Game", "Jesus puts his Money in the Bank of Montreal" and "the Guinness Song". Where were you then, Margie Bliss? It was the kind of place where Morpethians and Trailer folk could hang without issue. Although one time a dude from Rondeau asked my friend from Morpeth if she was simian. She had to explain to him that she was indeed from Morpeth. In fact, Morpethians felt so comfortable there, one time Mennonite Bob did a crazy strip tease whilst "You can Leave Your Hat On" played in the background. Too bad Lester's had to close up because the floor caved in one labour day when everyone was rockin' out to "Tokyo" or "Margarittaville" or "Werewolves". I haven't heard Ronnie Fray sing "Poor Boy" since. Some of the trailer folk in our football pool say there is interest in buying the Lester's shack and making non-bootleg liquor available in Rondeau again. If you got the buzz on this, drop us an anonymous line.

Ok I gotta jet. John Cat and I are going to take my goat, Patches, to the vets. He hasn't walked properly since that Masonic Ceremony!

"Dap" like you mean it!

Hello World Travellers!
John Cat and I just made our weekly trip to the Blenheim Tim Hos. We get a dozen Cruellers and a couple medium triple/triples. Then we go to the liquor store and get a mickey of Prince Igor Vodka to dump in them.....it's a cardiac-attack waiting to happen. We saw Ken Bell outside Timmy's kissing babies and standing on a soapbox...I believe it was a laundry soap box, actually. He has a really good platform that will assure that laundromats in Kent County will be something we can call our own. I never wash my clothes, but I've slept in the Blenheim Fluff n' Fold. One night this guys started crying in the Caddy because people were laughing at him and then he picked up Uncle Joe Robinson and threw him at my mom, Diamond Lil. The Percs I had taken earlier had just kicked in and Trish called the cops, so I needed a warm place to crash. When the cops kicked me out in the morning I smelled like a big Bounce drier sheet. That's why I'm voting for Ken Bell...and you should too! Plus, he's a village person, and that's alright with me.

This weekend, I was supposed to go to the Caddy with my Homey, Ping, but he smucked his truck and now I'm going to be stuck in the Village. I might go to the Dirty Bar and hang with Crazy Mary and Jack Lord and Pistol. They're fun because Crazy Mary will start to talk in tongues after 10 glasses of red wine and Pistol will have to translate for me. Only Jackie and Chrystal really know what "Dap!" means. When Crazy Mary has 11 glasses of wine, she gets an apparently euphoiric type of vertigo. Then the leprechaun bouncer dude has to carry her home (as shown above). Often she leaves her purse behind a chair or on the roof of her car. I like to follow closely behind her so that I can pay my rent, subscribe to Ass Porn sites and buy Wildcats with the ducets found in her forgotten wallet.

If those guys are not chillin', Gunner will be out dancing with a group of chicks and he may let me hang with him. He's totally cutting the rug in the picture above. Those chicks look like they are good drinkers but not so much on the dancefloor. Why are there cans of Strongbow in all these pictures? It must be big with the kids in the Village. I tried it one time and didn't think much of it, but you know, to each their own.

Ok I gotta dash. JohnCat and Elwood and some shriners and I are going to shop for a new bike for Elwood and then they are going to put us through an honorary Masonic initiation Ceremony. Somebody said that we had to ride a goat naked across the masonic hall basement. What's so secret about that? We do it at our family reunion every July.

Teach Your Children Well!

Hello Hump-dayers,
'sup? As I was waiting for the Mighty Vic 20s to boot up, John the Buddhist librarian and I began discussing the relative merits of nurture vs. nature in the cultivation of personality within the individual. Are we merely the fortunate/unfortunate victims of a fateful environment or does coding on our 23 (or 24) chromosomes dictate that we will be fish-breaders/proctologists/Walmart Greeters/Actuaries before we even leave the womb? And what of sociability? Is our inhibition, ennui, jubilance or extroversion determined the same way?

John takes the nature side. To him, our genes are all it takes to pull us from the mire of a life in a Trailer Park (he cites Kid Rock and Rondeau Bman) or conversely, to pull us down in enriched circumstances (for example, the "n'er-do-wells" Paris Hilton and Jimmy Vidler).

I'm takin' the nurture side. Admittedly, we have to work with what God gave us. Elwood will never teach at Harvard. Flea ain't gonna shower, even periodically. However, a supportive family and propitious socio-economic circumstances will allow us to be more than we ever thought possible. Alternately, unfavorable environments rob us of our potential. We see this in The Village all the time. For example, check Richie's baby picture above vs. the present day shot. If Momma Connie hadn't used the Sandbar as a daycare for him...life would be oh so different (and there'd be more Wodka for the rest of us)!

Ok gotta dash...today JohnCat and I are going to go to Bingo with Stevie Devie...coz I love the smell of dobbers and Peter Jackson's in the morning!

Erieau Hot COuple of the Week 01/03

Because they both "went home with the one they came in with", Jackie and Beer are the Erieau Hot Couple of the Week! Love will keep them together!

Go FInd Rico and Sauve Ladies!

Boxing Day....Leave Your Keys in the Bowl 7

Tommy got his Potatoes workin...with Sandra @ Brenda's house and with Brenda @ Sandra's house...they are the Erieau Hot 3 Way of the Week...in absentia!

Boxing Day ...Leave Your Keys in the Bowl 6

Rico and Sauve did not pick up......go figure?

Boxing Day...Leave Your Keys in the Bowl 5

COuch and Daddy...cute couple but they gave me the bird...not hot couple of the week either

Boxing Day...Leave Your Keys in the Bowl 4

Mean Bouncer Dude Robby D. won't even look as his wife gets friendly with the Wheeler. This would totally upset their wiener dawgs...no the couple of the week!

Boxing Day...Leav Your Keys in the Bowl 3

The Rich and Brandy....didn't we all see it coming? I think this could have been longterm but she's off to the Orient and he's back at the call center...not the Hot Couple of the Week.....

Boxing Day...Leave Your Keys in the Bowl 2

My Cousin/Brother, Gunner, couldn't make it last with the Princess. Looks like he dumped on her Birthday and moved onto the Lady with the funky Van and a million dogs. She doesn't look too ready to get shot by "The Big Gun", so they are not the Ereiau Hot couple of the week......

Boxing Day...Leave Your Keys in the Bowl!

Hello New Years Babies,
I'm a little behind on my postings, I know, but Boxing Day was Krazy! Robby D, the Mean Bouncer says some people stood in line all night and never got into the dirty bar. I was kind of mad at first because celebrities were cutting the line and then being seated in the VIP area. Puff Daddy (we still call him that in the Ghetto) was there, but he doesn't talk to me since Uncle Krazy Leggs left with J.Lo on Boxing Day '01. So I hung with Macauley Culkin (photo right), who bought me sooo much Hypnotique and Wildcat, I forgot where the Library was until this morning!

As I recall, it was a good joint. They had hot Cater Waiters strolling around the VIP section with mini smelt tacos and Pickeral Cheek Bellinis...delish! Everybody must have got tired of their shorties over Christmas becoz they seemed to mackin' elsewhere.....observe: