It's the Wolf Moon...Jack.

Hello Tristadecophobics,

Happy Friday the 13th! It's also a full moon which means that the Werekitties will totally be ripping up the village tonite. It reminds me of Warren Zevon's horrific smash hit, Werewolves of Erieau. I believe it went something like "I saw a werewolf drinking a Lucky lager @ OJs by the bay, and his hair was perfect". It's a waaay rare thing to have Friday the 13th and a full moon fall at the same time. Above is a picture of me and Uncle Krazy the last time it happened. You can tell it was a long time ago because the beer bottle's a stubby and I look waaay younger. Uncle Krazy still looks the same! That's because he uses Creme de la Mer which J.Lo sends him monthly. Good skin is in!

Some people get totally snakey on full moons.Different theories purport that this is because the proximatey of the moon to earth causes a greater gravitational pull on the water in our bodies...much like the moon controls the tides. Because human body masses vary from 79 to 81 per cent H2O, the auxillairy force of the moon in full has different effects on different people. I think people who drink more, have a higher water to tissue ratio, so they get a bigger lunar gobsmack. That's why Erieau is the nuttiest place in the world to be on a full moon. At this year's Harvest moon, everybody in the dirty bar threw their shoes on the roof. It looked like the sale rack at Payless. It's also a well-known fact that it's on full moon nights that Stealing Machine, Rich and Linds do their most prolific garden ornament stealing. They place the gnomes in a Wiccan magik circle in Rich's backyard and chant and cast spells for cheap liquor and unusual porn. Then they jump on the trampoline naked.

Also it's a widely held belief that Spitooey puts VooDoo hexes on anyone in the dirty bar after 11 pm on Friday the 13th. Rusty the Beaver was kidnapped from the bar on a Friday the 13th about a year ago. Perhaps then, this is the day that Jackie gets her beaver back...coz anything can happen on a full moon.

I gotta jet....My mom, Lil, is buying me a Caddy beef dinner for lunch and then BeepBeepHonk and I are going to Rock the Legion Holey Board Tournament...it's all in the wrist, suckahs!