Can You Spot the Fakes?

Hello Party People,

Ok, so when I need to get out of The Village, I usually take myself to the Cadillac Hotel in Blenheim. It's not a fancy hostelry, like Howard Johnson's or The Silver Motel. You can't get a room there with a plastic ice bucket, smutty movies or a floral bedspread. You can however, buy an El Camino & pharmaceuticals or enjoy live bands that play classics from Bob Seger, Journey and Foreigner. Every band that plays the "Caddy" is a Juke Box Hero to me.

Mostly, I like the Caddy because like "Cheers", it's packed full of colorful regulars. Of course, my mom, Diamond Lil is waaay the most notorious. That's because she can take Miracle Whip, smelt and frozen french fries and whip up a culinary extravaganza that would make even the Iron Chefs commit Hari Kari...and all for $2.70/plate. Also she'll kick your ass in 8-ball before you can say "Who wants another Lucky Lager?" If you go on a Friday night, most of the "regs" are looking for love. Casanovas to look out for include "BigEye/Little Eye", "Cowboy Indian", "Tiny Arms Dancer" "Rinky Dink" and "Princess". They play mind games and buy you shots of Peach Schnappes to get you on the dance floor. Then, they say they were drunk and pretend they don't remember you when you show up the next Friday. Because everybody who hangs in the Caddy is so "Fabulous", it's hard to get noticed. Sometimes the "love starved" go to extremes and flash a little boob and beaver. If you really want to get big upped, stand on a chair when you peel, or you're just one of the crowd.
So, as noted above, the Caddy is my serendipity from life in the Village. You can totally image then, how bananas it was when I was Caddy Mackin' on Friday night and half of Erieau and most of Rondeau stumbled thru the door. Dudes, even one of the village landlords was bustin' moves on the Drrty dancefloor. I was worried at first. Can simple brothers and sisters from a small village and a Provincial Park blend in with hipsters from Blenheim? It all worked out in the Draft, TopCats. Look at the pictures above. Can you tell who's a Caddy reg and who lives bayside? Me neither...... totally a seemless blend.

It's Written In the Stars...March Hot Horoscopes

Hello Star Children,
Because Erieau is a tiny village far, far away from the bright lights of big cities like Chatham and Swilbury, we are often presented with amazing opportunities to gaze intricately at the heavens. Whenever I'm booted out of the dirty bar and the cops are looking for me, I hide out at the beach.... diggin' the views, as the earth spins through the constellations. Hence, I think I'm pretty hot at the ancient science of astrological divination...you know, horoscopes. Let VooDoo Potato give you the 411 on what's going to happen to you in March, Suckahs:

Aries (03/21 – 04/20):
Best Fishing Lure: Scumfrog Popper
Drink of the Month: Caesar (not on March 15th, the Ides of March)
Lucky Mackin' Day: 03/10 (the 69th day of the Year)
Erieau Starmate: Martini
Mars will be retrograde through Aries in the 2nd half of March.....you know that means it's all bananas. It's the perfect time for you to gamble, rock S&M and generally have a swingin'-ass time. The competitive Ram should be mindful of coercive coworkers around the 2nd.

Taurus (04/21 – 05/21):
Best Fishing Lure: Uncle Buck MiniBait Mini Daddy
Drink of the Month: A Robust Cabernet...that goes well with Bull
Lucky Mackin' Day: 03/18 (Day after St. Paddy's....hangover nooky rocks)
Erieau Starmate: Sailor Girl, Bumper B
March will be a fabulous month for the constant Taurus...lot's of Wildcats, mackin', money and Irish Luck...no really, no bull! March is also a good month to buy shoes and purses for material boys and girls.

Gemini (May 22nd – June 22nd):
Best Fishing Lure: Yum Flavor Enhanced Wolly HawgCraw
Drink of the Month: 2 of anything you want...you're twins
Lucky Mackin' Day: 03/17...get Lucky like the Irish
Erieau Starmate: Margie B, The Rich and Bman
Dudes, Jupiter is descending Gemini mid-March which means this sign will be up to bad things on the 11th. If you steal a beaver or sleep with an in-law, you can totally blame your evil twin though. Don't go near Rondeau Bay March 11th.

Cancer (06/23-07/23):
Best Fishing Lure: Series 2000 Ratt L Trap Crank Bait
Drink of the Month: Vodka Mood Adjustors ....you crab
Lucky Mackin' Day: 03/20...get stupid on the solstice
Erieau Starmate: Pistol
March is all about health. Saturn in retrograde Cancer will put a spring in your step and you'll find yourself enjoying a general well-being you haven't experienced in years...you go crabby. Security-seeking Crabs should be wary of out-of-towners around the 24th.

Leo (07/24 – 08/23):
Best Fishing Lure: Skum ThunderClaw
Drink of the Month: Molson Golden...fo shizzle
Lucky Mackin' Day: 03/09...can u feel the love tonite, Lion King
Erieau Starmate: Sandarelli
The Equinox on Uranus is apt to make celebrations tough at the beginning of the month. Spotlight loving Leos would do well to sing Kareoke or dance with celebrities near month's end.

Virgo (08/24 – 09/23):
Best Fishing Lure: Yo Zuri Crystal Vibe Hardbait
Drink of the Month: Shirley Temple
Lucky Mackin' Day: Virgo doesn't mack, Fool
Erieau Starmate: Reggie the fire dawg
March is not your month, TopCat. Attempts at working and chillin' will end in frustration for the virginal Virgo. Save the residual anger for a chance meeting in the bathroom @ Kathy's with the punk who dumped you in high-school.

Libra: (09/24 – 10/23):
Best Fishing Lure: Extreme Beetle
Drink of the Month: Equal Parts Baileys and Kahlua over ice...to keep the balance
Lucky Mackin' Day: 03/14 Full Moon Fever y'all
Erieau Starmate: Christie Shill, Krazy Legg's Cousin
Dude, totally stay away from Smelt this month. Saturn in retrograde means there's a bone just waiting to get caught in your throat. The Dr. DT Martin will tell you to "Martin up!". It's a good car-buying month though. Look for a Green '72 Pinto for months of cruising happiness.

Scorpio (10/24 – 11/22):
Best Fishing Lure: Cotton Cordell Big O
Drink of the Month: A stinger of course
Lucky Mackin' Day: 03/01: Day after Mardi Gras (hangover Nooky rocks)
Erieau Starmate: Jeff B, Elwood
An impulse purchase from Abdul on the 17th will make you the laughing stock of your family and friends. DO NOT buy anything from under the counter.... Even if it's Jean and Chuck recommended.

Sagittarius (Nov 23 – Dec 21):
Best Fishing Lure: Bomber Mode 8A
Drink of the Month: Strongbow....the Archer
Lucky Mackin' Day: 03/19 Say, "Winter, Screw Off"
Erieau Starmate: Trixxxie
Street brawling is imminent this month and could lead to an exciting career change around the 18th. Stay away from old people, bachelors and Johnson's Motel.

Capricorn (12/22 – 01/20):
Best Fishing Lure: Bagley Honey B Crankbait
Drink of the Month: Strongbow....the Archer
Lucky Mackin' Day: 03/13 First day of Purim...Mazeltov Sweetie
Erieau Starmate: Princess, Jody W
You'll lose serious money this month after playing "Rock, Paper, Scissors" with a person with a prosthetic arm...doh! It's a great month for Nevada ticket winning and chance encounters in the Caddy Bathroom, however.
PS. Your a Goat just like Patches!

Aquarius (01/21 – 02/19):
Best Fishing Lure: Rapala Super Shad Rap
Drink of the Month: Crown and Water
Lucky Mackin' Day: 03/31...save it for the end of the month
Erieau Starmate: Uncle Joe, Potato, Pilbeam
The term "Never kid a Kidder" will have deep, deep significance for you this month as Neptune crosses your segment in an arch of 69.696 degrees. I wish I was an Aquarius.

Pisces (02/20 – 03/20)
Best Fishing Lure: Power Worm
Drink of the Month: anything.....you're a fish
Lucky Mackin' Day: 03/29 ...show 'em a new moon
Erieau Starmate: Jimmmy V, Pizza Slice P
Go Shorty...It's your Birthday. Significant gifts include Lava Lamps, Minnow Buckets & a "Kiss me I'm Irish" button. Don't bet on NASCAR on the 15th.

Mr. Cabdriver, Fek You!

Hello Snow Bunnies,

It was a seemingly quiet weekend in the village but actually, much was kicking underneath the sleepy surface....still waters run deep, as they say. Let me start off by saying shout out to Rocketman/Operaman Mike M and his magical muskrat hat. I'm glad to hear the bandits from Rondeau who snatched it (and then had the nerve to partake of your hospitality and Budcans), had the sober-conscious to rock it back to ya, Baby. Let the shameless trapping of Muskrat Suzie and Muskrat Sam from McGeechy's Pond not be in vain!

Also, of note for Inquiry Minds: Princess K did not end up under the floorboards of Cabana 69 after her close encounters with the "Kettle of Fish" cyber-date made real. She said he was too tired to get snuffy after partaking of an OJ's smelt platter and a Royal Princess herbal apperitif. Better luck next time P. I hear there's a local call out for a 3-Way posted on the fish site, if your interested in being a Guest Star.

I hate to end on a sad note, but your favorite dirtybar waitress got hit by a taxicab in Kingsville this weekend. No Dispatch job for her now. She and an unknown gentleman with an "I heart NASCAR" tattoo were leaving the Legion Kareoke bash when Patterson's Taxi Car 54 mercilessly mowed her down on Main Street. Word from witnesses and friends is she suffered a concussion, a broken tooth and ripped jeans (could have been from NASCAR boy though) . She is currently convalescing at the Kingsville Animal Clinic and will not be back to work until Wednesday. Her Doctors say no baton twirling for 3 weeks. Feel free to send Best Wishes and Bailey's. Oddly enough, a similar accident happened to Rich in London last year at this time....


I heart NASCAR, too!

Erieau Hot Valentine's 2006!

Yo! Capulets and Montagues,
Forsooth I say, Happy Valentine's Day Dawg! It's the smoochiest day of the year and we should all celebrate it with the hottest couple in the village. She's the craziest chick in (and sometimes on) the lane and he's a fearless hero. Who cares if theirs' is a September/February type romance? What gives us the right to define love within the constraints of age? "Harold and Maude" was a really good movie! A little rum, a little vino & everyone can get their freak on. Tonight when you're snuggled up with that special someone, think of how Happy Crazy Mary will be when Poncho says to her, "Dap one time for me Baby!".
Who else could I name "Erieau Hot Valentines of 2006!"...Gunner Approved.

XOXOXO69!

Resort Towns in Winter...zzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Hello Singing Cats,
Look at Patches and Uncle Joe. They're sleeping because February is the most tedious month for Village People. All of the exotic tourists have returned to fabulous Ferndale, the beaches are as icy as a Sandbar Margarita (no salt) and there's nobody on the roads except Elwood and Reggie. Flea's even got his shirt done up. It's all too Don Henley's "Boys of Summer" to bear.
So what can one do to stave off those winter blues until the fun begins again on St. Patrick's Day? Well, February is an excellent time to cultivate a hobby. It was in February of '69 that I began collecting Lighthouses. Now I have over 20,000 different ones including a lighthouse Pez Dispenser, a crocheted lighthouse toilet paper cozy and a lighthouse cookie jar that sounds a foghorn whenever Gunner tries to steal one of my delicious Viva Puffs. If you're looking for something more active and social, I understand they are giving a baton toss workshop @ the dirty bar on Saturday Nights (1:00 am to last call, bring your own helmet and nutcup). When you get good at baton twirling they'll let you throw it in the air and drink a shot of SoCo while you wait for it to come back down. Then you catch it between your legs...fun! Some people get all wrapped up in DIY projects. In the 'hood everyone is pimpin' their golfcart ride. I understand that some dudes are putting mini generator powered fridges on the back of their carts and upholstering the seats with Burberry Nova Check, just like Snoop Dogg's Bentley. Finally, you could go to the lanes and practice for the Tri-Bay Bowl-off coming up March 4rth. If you spread your wings, the time will fly by until the green beer is flowing and Murray Snelgrove.....Andrew....Buffett....whatever.....is rocking the village with traditional Irish hits like, "I'm my Own Grandpa" and "Rich, Dumb, Young Nymphomaniac

Erieau Hot Couple of the Week 02/10/06

No updates on Rusty...and now Spitooey seems to be missing too! Rusty the Beaver, The Talking Gnome and now Spitooey....all gone. Perhaps they have been sent to the "Island for Misfit Toys" or Shrewsbury....which are really one and the same place anyway.

Here's a shot of Rusty and Jackie in happier times. Perhaps they'll put in on the backs of milk cartons or cases of Lucky Lager. Because the Rusty beaver is still missing, I name it and Jackie Hot Couple of the Week.

Rusty's jacket is too "Almost Famous" to believe.

Rusty Come Home!

Hello Nature Lovers,
This posting is a latent plea from Jackie, who has been missing her Rusty Beaver for a little over a year, to ask for your help in returning him safely to his birch branch at the dirty bar. If you didn't know Rusty here's the 411. Not surprisingly, Jackie and Rusty first hooked one Sunday afternoon at the Caddy. Jackie used the Jaws of Life to snatch Rusty from a sad plight in the Caddy "Hunger House". The 2 became inseparable, going on booze cruises together to Hamilton and even Chicago. There, Rusty became the toast of Mean Blues Ladies, Homeless Folk, Piano Men, Indianans and Gorillas. Rusty was a simple beaver and, just like us, was most happy just sitting in the bar, getting cross eyed.

The night Jackie first noticed Rusty was missing, there weren't many people around: The Rich, Jackie, Burner, Bumper B, Pistol, Martini, Sandarelli and Jimmy V. Earlier, The Rich was skulking around the back of the bar (near Rusty's birch perch) feigning an interest in Celebrity Texas Hold 'um. Everyone else was working or drinkin'. It was 2 days later when the first ransom note was found by Bumper B taped on the outside of the Emmett Kelly Room window. It showed Rusty wrapped in Duct Tape, had bad grammar and spelling and made ludicrous demands like all ransom notes. The "Beaver Thief" asked for better snow removal in the parking lots, extra cheese on his Godfather pizza and $50 in small bills and a ride to the Dresden Slots. When his demands were not met, another more threatening and evil note was found in the same spot (both around 9 pm) by Deb V. Then....nada for over a year.

So who stole the beaver? Nobody knows for sure but Jackie lists the prime suspects as:

The Rich: Attempted kidnapping of Spitooey, strange behaviour the night Rusty got disco'd
Jimmy V: Kidnapped Burp and Slurp, could be in cahoots with The Rich
Bumper B: Attempted kidnapping of Spitooey,
Martini and Sandarelli: Payback...and who would suspect
Burner and Frenchy: Why not?
Linds: Just like a Garden Gnome
Princess and StephJ: coz they stole the Sleeman's Basket

If you have Rusty or know who took him, please aid in his return to the bar. Jackie has Nail Beaver, Beany Beaver and Cross-Eyed Beaver now but really wants Rusty back...coz there's no beaver like your first beaver.

Erieau Hot 3Way of the Week 02/03/06

Hello Young Lovers,

I've never been married, but I have had my pet goat, Patches for the last 7 years and I'm starting to get bored of watching him eat Bud cans and cigarette butts. So I imagine being saddled with the same spouse for more than 2 decades can become pretty tired. My ma, Lil says there are 3 paths to continuous matrimonial "Bliss":
Marry an old dude (her personal favorite) who won't be around forever
Drink lots of liquor (like Shrewsbury newlyweds)
Get freaky in the sack

Let's look at our local Innkeepers. They've been married for nearly 30 years and are still as happy as Jackie at a brewery. What's the secret to their success? Well they're both the same age so it's not number 1. They actually drink pretty temperately on the old village alchy-meter, so #2 is also out. It's gotta be number 3. But the Kama Sutra says there are only 269 positions that 2 people can rock, so then what? Well when TV shows that have run for a long time are about to "jump the shark", they add a special guest star and then they get good again. Think of Heather Locklear joining "Melrose Place" or Frasier being added to Cheers. They made the shows worth watching again. So I guess if you need to spice up the marriage, call in the guy from across the street. The Blissies and Poncho rock the Mexican Hot-tub! Hence I name them Erieau Hot 3-Way of the Week! In the words of Andre 3000, "Lend me some sugar, I useta be yo neighbour"!

Erieau Superbowl Fever...Catch It!

Hello Gridiron Groupies,
Sorry for the delay in postings but I have just returned from rocking the Boatshow circuit with Fireman Poncho. It was all down except for Chicago coz Poncho and I got disco'd for our last pack of Peter Jacksons and a mickey of Bacardi Twist by some homeless dudes...right outside of the tenement where that 30 minute portrait of 1970s thug life, "Good Times" was set...It was not even a little "Dy-no-mite". I'm glad to be back in a kinder, gentler Ghetto.

I'm totally stoked for Superbowl XL coming at ya live from Detroit. The game and the commercials will be cool enough but the whole village is on pins and needles to see if Robby D will take the whole pot in pool 2 or if Larry T takes half like a Californian Divorcee. 191 vs. 190... The pick pressure is omnipotent! I personally am only into Superbowl for the cheap Wildcats and Oysters and also the halftime show. The one at Ford Field will probably be ok...you know, if you dig the Motown Sound or the Rolling Jurassic bloody Stones. Even better though is the live halftime show at the dirty bar. Last years' halftime extravaganza featured Vidler Wrestling. Carol beat the hell out of Potato in the first round but the real grudge match was the final where Bouncer J took on Sandarelli. She kicked his ass. Check the picture above where Sandarelli demonstrates the naked death leg choke hold that won the bout. ...talk about red in the face and that dude's a bouncer! As you can see, he looked totally beat after the match, poor bugger. I'm not sure what's planned this year...I heard "Up with People" aren't busy. They could totally smoke the boulevard. Okay, I don't really condone gambling, but here's my ultimate pick:
Seattle and 48 pts......suckahs