Pyrotechnimania

Whazzzup Cherrybombs?

You all know that Canada Day/Independence Day weekend means nothing but cocktails and fireworks! I love lights in the sky, especially when they aren't battered-mushroom-induced. The quality and variety of the works have come a long way baby since I was a kid and they sold the gunpowder snake pellets and the consistently crappy burning school houses. Now the word all over Chatham-Kent is that the EFD puts on the best display this side of Epcot..or at least the Detroit River. You should check it.
Last year this party was bananas, so on Saturday at dusk, grab a bit of beach and wait for the show to start. The buzz is that the Erieau Committee will be selling hotdogs and drinks @ the public beach this year. I know you're wondering how their weiners compare to Pat Rink's. You'll have to find out for yourselves, fools!

Show Ya the Numbers!

Hello Euclidian Geometrixes,

Welcome to the 65th Post of the Erieau News. To underline the auspiciousness of this occasion, let me remind you that if the blog and Crazy Mary were both trees, the difference in their trunk rings would be undiscernable to the nekked eye. If the blog was a person, Stephen Harper would be cuttin' it a check for $400 each month (anyone know where a blog can get a SIN?). If the blog were a kitty, this would only be the 9.286th post. There are 5 more postings on this blog than there are ounces in a Texas Mickey....although the headaches and nausea after finishing either are quite comparable. If you had a bass for every post on this blog, the MNR would shake you down. That's a whole lot of time spent at the Erieau Library, Topcats! And to think the whole thing started in an attempt for me to find a creative cyber-activity other than surfing Assporn!

I must admit, I'm surprised how many hits our village news garners. With a trusty site tracker, the blog has recorded about 6800 visitors (which is like 104.615 hits/post) from exotic locales like New Zealand, TaiPei, Australia, Saudi Arabia, Buenos Aires and Europe. Don't get freaked by the graph shown above (there won't be a test) but it shows the country of the last hundred Erieau News visitors. Most of the traffic is local, but there also regular visitors from Barrie, Calgary, Florida, Ohio, Toronto, London and Michigan. Most people visit between 9-10am (Slackass workers) and most of y'all hang out on the blog for 2.48 minutes. Most vistors visit directly from a "favorites" link(thanks dawgs) and the most referrals come from search engine checks for "Erieau + Ontario", "Erieau News", "Molly and OJs" and "Erieau + fish". So bottom line on the stats chat for those of you who never rocked Finite Math and Differential Calculus at Erieau PS is simply this, People in the Cyberworld Heart Erieau and it's peeps! The numbers don't lie. And BTW, if you took the ratio of the circumference of the pie chart above to it's diameter, you'd get 3.14159265358979323846264338327950288419716939937510....ok I'm surfing back over to AssPorn.com again now.

Erieau Hot Couple of the Week 6/22/06

Word Bloods and Crips,

More than one villager has made mention of a crazy Sicillian Vendetta/Godfather situation happening with the West Side Villagers. Dudes, can't you guys just get along like the Eastsiders? No judgement y'all. I live in the middle of the village myownself (easy access to the dirty bar).

So Jackie fed Patches some crazy battered 'shrooms and then took him to Collasanti's for some hot nanny goat petting zoo action. They had such a good time that they've already made plans to go the Morpeth Funk Party (with DJ Superfly) on Saturday nite. Hence I name them Hot Couple of the Week. In fact, they're going to be the last hot couple of the week for a while. Next up...Hot Tourist of The Week....send in your pics, kitties.

PS. Shout out to all the Brothers and Sisters missing Simon LeBon!

Erieau or Pettycoat Junction?

Hello Historic Erieauians,
Check these old Post Cards I found in the "Legg's Family Archives". These vignettes of Erieau life even preceed my days at EPS or the Tilt'n Hilt'n . Sadly, I don't really know the story of our village but the train used to transport coal and people to the big metropolis Chatham .... I guess the train died out not because of the modern use of cleaner, more efficient fossil fuels but because, why would anyone want to leave Erieau to go to Chatham?

Hollaback for John 2:1-11

Hello Corpus Crispies,
Today's the day y'all should be rocking the Eucharist. If you were one of the dudes that went fishing instead of to Sunday school let me break it down for you like this: Jesus transfigured himself into bread and wine , people ate him (at his request) and not soon after, our sins were forgiven. June 15th seems to be the anniversary of the Holy Supper so you should get yourself some consecratedOJ sunflower bread, a bottle of vino from the Wine Shoppe and get down with that sacrament. Jesus is Richie and my homeboy becoz he was always breaking out the cocktails or turning water into wine. If the dudes @ OPSEU have anything to say about it, a similar miracle may be the only way to get yer buzz-on in Erieau even today. Check the article below.

LCBO expands private liquor sales with 20 new 'agency' outlets
OPSEU demands moratorium and accuses Premier Dalton McGuinty of breaking another election promiseToronto (18 May 2006) - The Ontario Public Service Employees Union (OPSEU/NUPGE) is calling for a moratorium on the opening of any more privately-operated "agency" outlets of the Liquor Control Board of Ontario, pending appropriate public hearings.Another 20 potential new private outlets were announced by the government-owned board this week.OPSEU, which represents 6,000 LCBO employees, says the announcement today represents another broken promise by Premier Dalton McGuinty, who said before the election he would stop expansion of the agency stores program."The plan to open new agency stores is a direct threat to the LCBO's social responsibility mandate," says Mike Sullivan, acting chair of the OPSEU division representing LCBO workers."These stores are private businesses, so there is always a potential conflict between maximizing profits and the best interest of the community. The LCBO has no way to guarantee agency stores won't sell alcohol to minors, people who are intoxicated, or people who may drink and drive."As well as undercutting social responsibility, agency stores short-change the communities they are supposed to benefit, OPSEU says. "Customers deserve the top quality service and selection that a real LCBO store provides," Sullivan said."In most of the 20 communities, there is a public liquor store just a few kilometres down the road. Why not expand these stores' selection and hours of operation rather than undercut them with poorly stocked private stores?"Diverting revenue into agency store profits also jeopardizes the LCBO's ability to generate provincial revenue to pay for health care, education and public services, the union says.The 20 communities where the LCBO could open new agency outlets are: Amberley, Brigden, Castleton, Chaffey's Lock, Clear Creek, Dashwood, Erieau/Erie Beach, Flesherton/Eugenia, Gobles/Princeton, Lighthouse Cove, Lowbanks/Long Beach, McArthur Mills, McGregor, Melbourne, North Augusta, Oil Springs, Port Franks, Rockton, Walters Falls and White Lake. The new stores could open by late 2006 or 2007, the government says.

NUPGEWeb posted by NUPGE: 18 May 2006

Hey, hey...you know from the ariel view, at least we have plenty of raw material for the #1 son to work with!

2 Days until the New and Improved Caddy

Hi Lord Stanleys,

So, who's gonna be the first to have a Wildcat in the remodelled Cadillac Hotel? I bet the work done during their unfortunate hiatus will render the joint unrecognizable. I only hope the naughty vending machines in the bathrooms and the tobacco stained ceiling made the cut. If you got an invite to the Grand re-opening, you're a lucky, lucky playa...this is waay bigger than that Christmas Tree Festival in Chatham or Bman's Parrothead-o-rama.

So if the Caddy is new and improved, Pat knew he had to raise the bar on those dawgies he's been hawking from his Caddy-cart. Here's a shot of him and Pistol, the County's #1 HotDog fan, trying to find a totally tubular taste extravaganza in their secret test kitchen.....and y'all thought Mama Maria's was the place to go for dinner.

'Scuse Me While I Kiss the Sky

Hello Flower Children,
So I didn't get to post yesterday because I was still a little under the weather from the weekend dudes. I was going to keep it on the d/l this weekend and fix up my caboose by the bay ...you know what I'm talking about...all those things you gotta do to get ready for the summer like flea-dipping Patches, wash-and-waxing the Pinto, power washing my garden gnomes....coz Erieau will rock "Communities in Bloom".

Anyway, on Friday night, before tackling that to-do list, I had some very VIP-battered mushrooms for dinner at the dirty bar instead of my usual Smelt Platter. All I can say is Timothy Leary must be the new chef and Potato must get those shrooms from BC because I think I was hallucinating all weekend. Check this:

1. After I left the bar the sky turned pink. Up ahead in the distance I saw a sign for the Slip-In beckoning me in for a cocktail. So off I went and had a Margarita. I think Poncho was there. When I left the bar, I was soaking wet and kind of Salty.

2. Then I went to The Bayview Bliss Cabins coz those fools still haven't paid me for cleaning the camp cans. When I looked in the window, there was one Bliss wearing a shirt with monkeys and bananas on it and a grass skirt and the other wore a coconut-shell bra and a cotton nighty...kinksters! Then the sky changed from pink to dark blue.

3. Finally, I stopped by Uncle Krazy's. Trixxxie and Uncle Joe were drinking beer with Gunner and the Seeing Double Eyedog. The dog would polish off his beer and then put the empties back in the case...which is more than I can say for the Toxxxic Twins. One time Jackie tried to give the dog water, so he bit her in the leg.

I finally woke up only just an hour ago. Forget about the smelt Topcats, from now on...I'm all over those mushrooms! I gotta dash, I' hear Trix and Pistol are bottling their wine today..which should be an equally trippy experience! Check "Toast and Jam" singing about their visit to Erieau 2 weeks ago!

VIllage Person or Tourist?

Hello June Bugs,

As you know, Lake Erie communities are anticipating the fast-approaching beginning of the tourist season. Visitors are good. They keep the local moneymaker shakin', are appreciative of our local color and often get drunk and hook up with those of us who have worked our way through everything the village has to offer.

But how can you tell a tourist from a local? Not by the clothing. Since Jimmy Buffett became a Rondeau Bay cult hero you're as likely to see one of us in a Hawaiian shirt and flipflops as a visitor. Not by the camera around the neck. I think this blog kinda proves that those are everywhere. Heck even the crowd at the public beach are 50/50: locals/visitors. The only way to tell a true villager (someone who has been in town for 20 + years or born there) is by a remarkable geographically-isolated genetic mutation. As the shot above demonstrates, real villagers can be identified only by their ever-so-slightly oversized heads. It's almost as difficult as identifying a female warbler in the fall migration for all you birders out there.

Erieau's Embassadors to the Emerald Isle

Hello Travelling Jones',
Back in the days at my ol' alma mater Erieau PS, the arrival of June always brought with it the most anticipated event of the academic year. I'm not talking about field day or the "take-home" of that scathing report card. You know June was all about the class field trip. Picture all of Erieau's "hope for the future" loaded onto a Badder bus with smelt-salad sammiches, green freshee and a king dong. Cool kids like Turtle, Chicken and Tommy Potato forced their way to the back of the bus whilst I was stuck up front, sitting beside my mom Lil, a school chaperone...doh! Much like the Merry Pranksters on their Electric Koolaid Acid Tests, we spread psychedelia and goodwill as we visited exotic locals like Uncle Tom's Cabin, Jack Miner's and the Bulldog Steelwool factory in Thamesville. There really is life outside of Erieau ....who knew?

So in a hollaback to the roaming spirit of the month, the Mean Leprechaun Bouncer Dude and his Posse are returning to their ancestoral homeland. You know that can only be Ireland. Bouncer dude thinks it's time to return to "his own ones", drink some Guinness, get in on some craic and learn the traditional ways of the leprechaun bouncer. I believe these include learning the secret recipe of an Irish carbomb (a shooter), kneecapping anyone caught smoking in the bathrooms and making poteen with the kitchen's left over french fries. Per the picture above he's already practicing the traditional leprechaun way of asking a colleen back to his digs. The colloquial language is typically the hardest things for foreigners to pick-up when they visit the Emerald Isle. Here's a few Irish to Erieau translations I found in the stacks of the library:

Lagered: drunkety-drunk-drunk, like everyone in the Dirty Bar @ 2 am
Oi: "Yo Yo Yo", as in "Check this out" or "Nobody's listening to me!"
Bevvies: cocktails, like a Lucky or Prince Igor/Tang
Hooley: a party in the kitchen after the pubs all close down like @ Richie's/Martini's/Sievert's
Holy Joe: sanctimonious person...basically the opposite of "Uncle Joe"
Do a Legger: Run from the scene after doing something sketchy like Bumper B.
Off the Drink: Hungover or Saturday mornings in the Village
Eejit: Someone who lives at the beach and puts in a pool

Safe trip to ya Half-Kitty and Leprechaun Bouncer....and remember this quaintest of Irish toasts:

"May the cat eat you and may the devil eat the cat...you fekkers!"

Victor Hugo Hearts the Caddy

'sup Fish Flies?

I'm afraid I have some bad news for those of you who thought you'd get some Caddy-mackin' in this weekend. The Man has shut that joint down temporarily for a variety of petty complaints. My head aches with the injustice of it all (or maybe with the 23 Luckys I drank at the closing ceremonies last night). How can they shut down the Caddy for being a fight club? No persecution has been this alarming since Javert tossed Jean Valjean in the clink for stealing that baguette. You can't deny folks basic human needs like food, cheap draft and bar brawls. Someone needs to call Amnesty International immediately if not sooner. Help us Bono!
So how you gonna make it through this arrid siege? I recommend grabbing a case of Lakeport, a bottle of Prince Igor and then going down to the beach to dig the summer night sky. Check this shot taken of Lake Erie and our neighbours in Ohio from the vantage of our fabulous shorelines. I bet the bright lights of Cleveland have got you missing the nightlife in Blenheim already ....not.