Triptophan & Lucky Lager...An Unbeatable Combination!

Hello JingleBalls!

Sorry I haven't posted in the last couple of days but things didn't go well when I went to do my Christmas shoplifting. Who knew the mean gals in Dollarama could run so fast? Thanks to cousin Gunner for raising bale @ Christmas time! My own gifting didn't go as planned but I scored big under the tree. I got $20 OJ bucks from "The Vidler family (excluding the leprechaun bouncer dude)", a 3 pack of Bic lighters from Gunner (black, red and purple...that's hot), and a halfpack of Number 7s and a Salinger-signed copy of "Catcher in the Rye" from Uncle Krazy. Score! I'm taking the OJ bucks to the Big Sandbar Boxing Day bash tomorrow. I'm going to drink gimlets with Todd Parker and Jill and then we'll head to the bar. It's Korey and Jill's Birthday, plus Crazy Mary hasn't got her buzz on since she was seen stumbling around in her red pleather pants.
Word on the street is that a former kitchen kitty named Ian started the "get drunk in Erieau on Boxing Day" tradition many years ago in effort to provide relief from family time and for locals to get wasted after the dry-out on Christmas Day. Over the years, word of awesome depravity, cheap Hypnotique and flat beer spread to the masses in the 'Hood and the TrailerPark and even as far as Blenheim, so the bar fills up with college kids pretty quickly. Now it's like a scene from the OC, only with Krazy Leggs, Frenchy and Chicken as Extras. I'm gonna go late because I know secrets about the Robby D, the Bouncer and Korey and Gunner will save me a seat.

Ok I gotta dash.....Uncle Krazy just got done nuking his Swanson Turkey and Stuffing and I want to beat Gunner to the 'wave....I wish they made smelt TV dinners.

Stay dialled for dirty Boxing Day pics.

Erieau Hot Couple of the Week

Ok, so I was walking to the library this morning and Uncle Krazy Legg's house looks like Rondeau Park. By that I mean that the 2 "deers of light" on his front lawn had been placed in a very compromising position. It's like an Rudolph Red Light District (much like the Trailer Park was throughout the early '90s until the "stewards of nature" came in and took bambi out with their .22s). I'm not sure if Uncle Krazy got feeling creative after some Lucky Lager fortification or if the dreaded BMX mafia did it.

The BMX mafia is that swarm of 15 year old kids you see smoking in the gazebo and riding their bikes down Mariner's Road with cardboard boxes on their heads. Half of them are named Joe and Kyle and the other half are employed at the restaurant as kitchen kitties that do dishes, make salads and steal beer from the back cooler. Mostly they're into beating their meat, drinking lemon gin at the gravel docks and trying to Catwalk in the snow on their BMXs. They are all dying their hair gothy-black so whenever I see them at Abdul's, I always say, "Look it's Robert Smith and the Cure". They stare at me blankly because they don't undestand cultural references from before 1990. They don't teach kids anything in school anymore!

Here's the big Buzz though......observe the picture above of Gunner (doesn't he look like his dad?) and the bartender he macked per yesterday's post. BTW Cheers to the anonymous blog-fan who sent the evidence. Anyway, I'm shocked that the Princess actually hooked the Big Gun! She's been chasing him since they were in school together, but he keeps turning her down. Although he believes she's a hot toddy, Gunner doesn't think that Princess possesses a wellrounded ethos for the world and humankind. How can a Philanthrope and a Princess get their freak on? Also, Gunner dresses snappier than Princess. What would she bring to the relationship? I think they might make a go of it.....like "class divided, love united" Kate and Leo in James Cameron's historic Blockbuster, "Titanic". Hence, I name them Erieau Hot Couple of the Week!

Alright, I must Jet. JohnCat is driving me in to the BargainShop! to do my Christmas shopping.....flannel shirt and Peter Jacksons for everyone!

VOlunteer...it's good for your Soul/Sole!

Hello Minnow Gypsies,
Some weekends are undeniable! On Friday, I made $28.50 shovelling driveways which I in turn parlayed into 2 cases of Wildcat (Nevada ticket winnings) , 3 hefty roaches (Butch and Margaret are in town) and a half side of Beef (Blenheim Legion Holiday Meat Draw Bonanza.....Richie, Lindsay and Jean the Stealing Machine got the Jack...haha). On Friday night, Frenchie, Gunner and I shared some white rum with Bud Light, who's an old, old guy who calls all the ladies, "mum". This explains why the seal on his viagra bottle continues to remain tamper-free. On Saturday, Gunner went to a party at his American neighbour's (who is Bob Seger's cousin BTW) and got his mack on with one of the waitresses from the bar. He's playing the whole thing on the d/l. If you know which gal, give me the buzz to share with "enquiring minds".

Anyway, because this is the "season of giving" and being kind to your fellow man, I thought I should give some public recognition to Erieau's largest collective group of volunteers (now that they no longer pay for blood donation), the EFD. Our Fire department is better than any other fire department in Chatham-Kent because we also have an ice & water rescue unit. This means we get a pimped out fire-boat as well as the requisite firetrucks. The EFD doesn't have a dalmation, though. Sometimes Reggie, a dog the same age as Bud Light, will pee on the corner of the firehall, but that's not the really the same as having a mascot. Generally our firemen are very good about protecting lives and property. In slow months, they get bored and try to make work by lighting drunk people on fire with their cigarettes. The Fire Chief demonstrates in the photo above. I don't volunteer because firefighting involves long physically exhausting, emotionally draining work that is hard on your feet. The VillagePeople appreciate the sacrifices of our fearless volunteers. As you can see in the top photo, the Assistant Fire Chief is getting his sore tootsies tended to by the leprechaun Bar Bouncer. It's too Brokeback Mountain for words. The EFD is always doing nice things in the village like sending kids to college (my niece/sister is giving a perm @ Marvel as I type .....thanks boys), decorating Christmas Trees and lighting off fireworks, so they need donations. You could go to the Big Beefy BBQ in July (Hoodlums love it), get your car washed or buy a Rescue Ranger t-shirt butI think they should do a "fireman" calendar. ...coz firemen have big hoses and the ladies would snap them up like crazy. The moral of this post is drop these guys some coins because you never know when that meth-lab in your basement will flame up and you'll have to call them out.

So Dudes, I gotta dash. Monday is the day that Elwood and I make sure all the beer cans he collected are truly empty (mmm free beer), so no more cigarette butts in the bottoms alright?

If I had a job...It'd be a Snow Day!

Hello SnowBlowers,
This has gotta be a quick post because JohnCat and I are going to take our skidoos into Blenheim to pick up a case of Lucky, some Hotrods and some Preparation H for Uncle Krazy Leggs and his posse.
First let me congratulate our friends in the Trailer Park on sucessfully surviving another community Christmas bash. I saw a white car with "RONDEAU" vanity plates driving around the village with a busted taillight and crunchy fender, but I haven't heard of any other casualities. I wasn't invited, but I did get a hold of this invitation..I wish I knew they were doing laundry. I totally would have crashed, even though the Wildgame Buffett doesn't interest me...no smelts, no deal. Pilo used to invite everyone from the Ghetto to the Trailerpark for a Christmas fete; until the year his wife found MaryKay from Lester's and Uncle Krazy mackin' in the garage...that ended it.

Second Up, the Football Pool rivalry is as hot as a bong on a fish-tug. Robby D is breathing right down Turner Burner's neck (I bet he wishes it was Jackie). They are like Sylvester Stallone and Dolf Lundgren in the feel-good movie of 1985 "Rocky IV", the best sequel, sequel sequel ever. It's 154-153!
I'm not evangelical or anything, but I think Erieau has witnessed the first sign of the apocalypse....Deb R. got 12 games last week. If she ever wins money, I'm grabbing a keg of Wildcat and a .22 an holing up in St. Ann's on the Lake to wait for my maker. I predict Turnerburner will only get 12 games right this week and Robby D will tie it up @ 166. Taking on odds on people taking odds... that's derivatively existential I must say!

Finally, Gunner tells me Handsome Richie is thinking of having a NYE bash. It's Casa Richie or the Flea Motel, so be sure to encourage the Rich!

Stay dialled in Freaks...vote for Ken Bell!

Erieau Chamber of Commerce #1

'sup? Village People, Trailer Trash and Hoodlums.....

So John, the librarian just came over and said that he's glad I'm using the Vic 20s in the Erieau Public Library to introduce the world to life on the edges of Rondeau Bay instead to surf Ass Porn. He's so glad in fact, that he's going to write a letter to my Parole Officer. I don't know if a bon mot from a Former dj-pseudo-buddhist monk- volunteer librarian will be enough to turn over my suspended sentence but what the heck?

Anyway, you may not believe this but there are some full-on entrepreneurs in our village of 500. On the outskirts of town are the "Bayview Bliss Cabins" . The lady in the center of the picture and the guy behind her are the Blisses who own the cabins. The guy dressed like a leprechaun is a bouncer at the local bar and he once kicked my Uncle Krazy Leggs out of the bar for bringing in a service animal, Kujo, his "Seeing Double" Eyedog. I don't know who the blonde chick is but she sure likes the vodkas!
Anyway, Margie and Jeff are the Erieau equivalent to the Innkeepers portrayed by Mr. Dick Newhart and Ms. Mary Francis on the novelly titled situation comedy "Newhart". Except the Bliss joint is more like a series of antibellum plantation cabins than a rustic Vermont Inn. It rocks nonetheless becoz the pop machine is stocked with $2.00 beers (Coors Lite, not Wildcat) and Margie will serenade you with a voice like the nuns from the Ursuline College in Nearby Chatham. The Blisses haven't owned the cabins very long and were sooo poor when they got started, we saw them scoop a smushed skunk from the road in front of the Cabins and then cook it like a beerbutt chicken. Things are going better for the Blisses now, thankfully. They are building a new house with blue drainage tiles for a roof, plus I got a family Christmas photo from them and everyone was wearing Carhartts...fancy!
Stay dialled in for the 411 on local businessmen like, Flea from the Flea Motel, Barney proprieter of the Saltwaterpool and Marina and everybody's favorite...the Dreaded Minnow Gypsies!

PS... Congratulations to Lee Ann Denike from the Trailer Park. She won a big bucket of Sleeman's Beer from the bar. TurnerBurner says the beer's skunky but the bucket will be good for ice-fishing minnows. I bet Lee Ann is glad whoever stole the beer basket brought it back!

The Erieau Shipping News' Maiden Voyage

Hello Village People,
The Erieau Library just opened so I can post the First Edition of the "Shipping News". No job...No computer! I'm at the mercy of th local librarian. He's not even a sexy librarian like the one in the benchmark Van Halen video "Hot for Teacher". Krazy Leggs and Gunner (my cousin/brother) and I were just about to go grab a case of Wildcats (best Canadian beer hands down...and cheap too!) and hang at the Caddy with my mom, Diamond Lil, when I remembered I had to give the 411 to the party bloggers.

If you're not from Erieau...you have no idea! It's a peninsula that juts out into Lake Erie about 75 km east of Point Pelee. It's waay tropicale for Canada! About 500 people live in Erieau but a lot of Americans chill here in cottages in the summer time. What can I say, we got more bounce than Michiganders. In fact, Bob Seger's seminal hit, "Firelake" was actually written about Erieau. Check our sunsets...aren't they hot? Most of the people who live in Erieau work on fishing boats, bringing those tasty yellow perch to your dinner plates. Alot of people also work @ Molly and OJ's restaurant. They serve perch and 'The Big Beaver Platter for 2", which is a Canadian delicacy if you haven't tried it. It taste kinda like chicken. My favorite is the smelts. They're delicious even though their Omega 3 count is low. Some of us are all about the "Life of Leisure". Don't tell my Ontario Works Officer though.

Across Rondeau Bay is Rondeau Park. We call it "The Trailer Park" because everybody there leases their house from the government...kinda like Eminem's mom in his biopic "8 Mile". If you head west across the bay, you'll land in Shrewsbury. We call it "The 'Hood". I don't really know why but everybody there has a pimped out golf cart that they load up with delicious Wildcats and then go to the neighbours house for a crazy big barbeque. If you drive through Shrewsbury and the hoodlums don't know you and your golfcart isn't fly enough, they'll pull a .22 on you. I know coz they scared my uncle Krazy. BTW, Isn't uncle Krazy hot?

ANyway, this Blog will bring you the latest buzz on all the latest village info...like we got a new curb so the fire trucks could go by and new stop signs, plus Santa came in on a tug last week, plus Gunner's got a girl-friend from far far away in Blenheim...stay dialled in freaks!