Now What am I Gonna do this Weekend?

Hello Peel and Eaters,

Looks like last night, a totally different kind of hose was getting pumped at JR's, a "gentleman's club" in Chatham. . . that's right, I'm talkin' bout firetrucks. Why are our "local ballets" always blazing up like Great White venues? Is it bad electrical planning for the saucy little light shows? Are patrons and employees not carefully extinguishing contraband, "after-glow" Peter Jackson's? Does the "shower with a stripper" booth run on some kind of super volatile fuel? I don't have the answers to these questions, but I do know this: The loss of JRs leaves a big hole in the Adult Entertainment market for upstarts like "Papa Bear and Dove's" and "The Overflow"...coz you know Spanky's shouldn't hold a monopoly on "$6 draft with a pubic hair floating in it" sales.

Erieau Hot Couple of the Week 04/24/06

Hello Rainy Day People,

Yeah, they are technically still in the Newlywed phase (although it looks like the Honeymoon may be over if someone doesn't let go of that Bud Light). But in the words of Al Jarreau, these cats are "in this love together...like berries on the vine, it gets sweeter all the time". When a brother will move boulders from one side of your pond to the other, you know it's true love.

Connie and Dan stock Erieau with fishes and wine, just like Jesus did. That's why they are hot couple of the week.

Crackheads love Tomatoes!

Hello Masochistic Leaf Fans,

So Moneysense Magazine named freakin' tomato-pickin' Leaminton as the best place to live in CANADA, not SW-Ontario, but the whole damn country.

http://torontosun.com/Money/2006/04/11/1529479-sun.html

I say props to Sun Parlour kitties because they're on Lake Erie and Stompin' Tom Conners wrote a song about them. Also, it must be fun waking up to wafts of ketchup, pig manure and baby food each morning. But seriously check the sunsets and vistas from our village, then tell me the Moneysense Pollsters weren't on crack....never gonna happen.

Erieau Hot Couple of the Week 04/17/06

Hello Ressurection Fans,

Lent ended yesterday so you better believe that first thing this morning, I grabbed a bottle of Prince Igor and a deck of Peter Jacksons, (thanks Flippy) then headed immediately to the Blenheim Timmy's for a little high octane double/double delite. The mean counter girls gave me their requisite morning grunt, even after my 40 day and 40 night absence, but it still felt like coming home. Snap! talk about Easter Miracles.....Pat Rink rolled up the rim to find he was one of 10000 lucky caffeine freaks to win a Broil King BBQ!! I'm serious y'all. Not one to spurn a gift from the fates, he's taking his proverbial "fishing pole" and catching his dinner. Look for him and the Broil King set up outside the Caddy. He's going head to head with the 7-11 and starting a hotdog cart. Crazy Mary told him to name it "Rinky Dink's Rinky Dinkies". Sounds delicious. Way to go Pat!

Speaking of the Caddy, check the hot couple of the week. He's an enterprising young man who's trying to keep the flags flying high over a historic local watering hole. She's an ambitious career-gal looking for love and companionship in all the wrong places. Everyone give a shout out to the hardest-working couple in the "bar bizz". Korey hearts Walt..... and it's too Sam and Diane for words. We've been calling her the Cadillac Princess for years, now she's working on getting into the line of secession. You go Girl!

Flippy The Easter Crappy ...A New Village Icon.

Hello Hot Crossed Bun Lickers,

So I know I'm behind on my postings, but I've been hanging at the library with pseudo-Buddhist volunteer librarian dude, researching the Pagan origins of Christian holidays......no really. My pirated Starchoice got shut down (Patches chewed through the co-ax, man) so I thought I would rock my inner-Dan Brown and check into these things.

It turns out that Easter is named after the Pagan fertility goddess "Ostara" (sounds kinda like "Easter" dunnnit?). The Pagans, at the advent of Spring used to hide X-rated eggs throughout Pagan-ville because, you know, eggs are a sign of fertility and that's what spring's all about. Then they would drink a bunch of Mead or Strongbow or whatever Pagans drank and get their freak on while they searched for the archaic porn. Also, the symbol of Ostara is a rabbit...that's where the Easter bunny comes into the mix. That stuff's got absolutely nothing to do with the King James version of the holiday, dude.

So, if Christianity can tailor a Pagan holiday to market its cause to the masses, why can't the Erieau Fighterfighters and their booster club do the same darn thing? Forget the kiddie egg hunt on the boulevard. To be sympatico with our own history and traditions, I think we should have Flippy, the Easter Crappy hide Peter Jacksons and Budcans throughout the village. At Midnight on Good Friday, everyone in the Sandbar who has run out of darts and money could go out on a hunt, putting their booty into a decorated beercase instead of an Easter Basket......coz let's face it, children really shouldn't be involved in Pagan rituals anyway.

It's Hard Out Here for a Pimp!

Hello April Fools,

I don't even know what to say about this "glama-shot" other than a bright red or midnight blue bra would have been a better compliment to your eyes, my brother. Also, next time, for the optimal look of contentment, pretend you're floating in the ocean surrounded by a million tiny sea-horses......I heart Napoleon Dynamite.

Listen Y'all,
Don't forget to ask Jim and Shannon about the Shrewsbury Leprechaun. They say it's Mobile, Alabama, but nope, it's the 'hood.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nda_OSWeyn8&eurl=http://www.kittenpants.org/daily/20060330.asp