Erieau Goes To Collingwood and it's Deja Vu All Over Again!

Hello 1 armed Bandits,
Am I the only one who ever thinks that Erieau, a tiny little community in a reasonably insignificant part of Ontario, kinda/sorta sets the pace for what's Au Courant in pop culture in this province? Some of you more argumentative Kitties are thinking, "Look fool, Erieau is hardly the center of the hipster universe!" But I say, let me break it down for you like this:

1. In 2004 Pilbeam and Trixxxie bring the beaver, a once venerated but then only nickel-worthy national mascot back to the forefront of Erieau symbology after stealing Rusty on a night of Caddy-mackin'. Snap! One year later, Bell Canada tries to turn 2 Claymation beavers into the Canadian equivalent of the Budweiser clydesdales.

2. Also in fall 2004 Jimmmy V takes over Cabana 69 and covers everything that isn't moving in Mossy Oak Camo. Flash forward to the Dior Summer '05 Accessory collection and you'd swear Ted Nugent was the designer-in-residence. Then in fall'05 all the fancy stores like the Gap and Zellers are carrying Camo clothes (Jimmy has pumps but can't rock the 4 inch heels, according to Half-Kitty).

3. In Spring 05 Bman et al. decorate the chick on their "buck for luck" shamrock like a pirate while Sandarelli, Uncle Joe and Poncho become better aquainted with Captain Morgan .... then in the winter of 06, everyone's sporting puffy shirts, tall boots and eye patches and saying "Avast yea Mateys" whilst getting blown off-shore.

You might think these examples are pretty random but Princess, Richie, Trixxxxie and Bumper B agree with me. They all did a little ski fiesta to Collingwood this weekend and found traces of Erieau all over the damn Grey-Bruce. Check the Uncle Joe's furniture truck from Guelph. Those poseurs don't even know that Erieau Joe-fella has been working out of his plane white vans for nearly 20 years. The most blatant Erieau wannabe (next to Dana Post who's looking for a crib because Villagers are smokin' hot) is the soon to be opened "Tilt'n Hilton" in Arthur, Ontario. Those fools don't even know when to let 1979 go! Our Hilton had waay more tiltn than there's ever will...suckahs.

Bring on the Dancing Girls!

Hello High Rollers,
I can't speak for anyone else, but I'm not yet completely re-hydrated after last Friday. This means that even though Johnny Cash is my personal saviour and spiritual mentor, I'm not going to Chicken n' Rib Night at the Golf Course, I'm not singing Burnin' Ring of Fire or Folsum Prison @ Fat Jimmyz, I'm not even going Caddy-mackin'. Nope, I'm keeping it on the down-low this weekend. I'm going to stay home and bath Patches and then marathon-watch celebrity poker. Why do I need the cast of "Friends" and Ben Affleck to teach me mad card skills? Well because Erieau gets it's Vegas on again very soon, Topcats....and I'm taking everybody's money this time.

When you think Vegas, you think bright lights, free cocktails, Elvis Impersonators and Cirque de Soleil. All of these things are nearly impossible to find in the Village. But mostly when you think Vegas, you think show girls ...luckily, Erieau's got that one covered! Can can Princess and Thomasina do the Can-Can? Damn right.

Erieau Hot Couple of the Week 03/21/06

Hello Spring Flingers,

I bet that you're not surprised by this week's Hot Couple. Observe the top pic. It was taken in January '05 when their mackin' was still fresh and new. Trixxxie's got mad cowgirl skills, so she lassoed the Bman with her scarf of love. There's no way a dude who hosts semi-annual Phantasia joints is gonna turn down nasty woolen rainbow bondage. Still, we all wondered, can 2 freakers keep freakin' for the long haul or would Trix be left singing that old Lefty Frizzell nugget "Ever Since my Masochistic Baby Left Me, I got Nothing to Hit but the Bottle"?

Observe the bottom pic. It was taken on Friday night. Fourteen months and the hot fuss is still fo' shizzle. You know late in the evening, Trixxxie is dialling: "Hello 911 ....I'm on fire!"

Hence Trixxxie and Bman are the Erieau Hot Couple of the Week!

It Ain't Easy Being Green

Hello Sexy Equinoxers!

We sho' drank a lot of damn beer on St. Patrick's Eve. My memories of Friday are as vague as the purpose of those little tiny houses with the lights in them, in the onion fields along the Erieau Road. I found these shots on my camera and they lead me to ask 1 million questions: Where the heck did all those jokers come from? Did Murray win Canadian Idol in months past and not tell anyone? Who told Jackie it was Chinese New Year? Just where did the mean bouncer dude stick his finger? Did Krazy Mary just cut one? Did Margie really say "I'll have what Martini's having"? Is Poncho still in that barstool etc etc etc........

Screw Kalamazoo...the King rocks the 'Eau

Dia duit Beag Gabhar,

Hope y'all survived the full moon. So the buzz of last month was quite correct. Soures in the 'deau say the sold sign is on Lester's. The lucky new proprietor is rumored to also run a dreaded chain bar and grill in Chatham. It would totally be swinging the management paradigm to go from Danielski-style operations to franchise-style operations but hey, maybe the new owners are only looking for a quiet bayside cottage. I wonder if they'll be up and running for St. Patrick's?

Who needs a bar anyway when you can have a little margarita/twister combo with Elvis on your front lawn? No cover charge required.

Is "Dublin" Getting Your Mack on With Twins?

Hello Wee Cluricauns,
St. Patrick's Day 'tis the grandest of all village holidays and it's only 2 days away. If you aren't from Erieau you probably think we have a big parade with baton twirling leprechauns, floats carrying dancing shamrocks and ceilidh bands and St. Patrick riding in the back of a pimped out Cutlass convertible. You might also think that we dye McGeechy's Pond green like they do with the Liffey. Listen you Eejit, these are all good ideas, but we don't need anything that fancy to get our green groove on. The village rocks St. Paddy's with a bunch of ice cold Guinness and verdant Coors Light + a Jimmy O'Buffett type one man band.

If you think it doesn't sound legit, you're wrong, you daft bugger. Our jam is so Galway-fabulous that folks of Irish heritage flock in from the 'hood, the Trailer Park, Cedar Springs and even Dealtown. Once I even saw a "landed" Irish Dude (his name was O' sumthin') from Rondeau breaking down a jig so mean that he nearly took out Gig, "Mr. 1 Man Band '95". That dancing brother is actually a professor of dentistry @ the "Sisters of Mercy" University in Detroit. This is a good thing because if he keeps River Dancing into stages, he's gonna need some chops work done for sure. Also village St. Paddy's Day is fun because the mean bouncer dude dresses like a gayed out garden gnome. He looks like he escaped from Richie's garden. Remember too, Pistol is the make-out queen when she's lagered, so if you wear a "Kiss Me I'm Irish" button, she'll likely let you smooch her without even asking to see the Irish roots on the family tree.

Not sure if you're a cluricaun or not?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cluricaun

Patches is scared!

The Balcony is Now Open Mofo.

Hello Members of the Academy,
In a lone "shout out" to Oscar Sunday, I've been holed up bayside with Jiffy Pop, some Beaver Buzz (not what you're thinking, it's Canadian RedBull) and some choice picks from Aug's New Releases. BTW, dude, if you're out there, "American Wedding" is old...you need to "Aug"ment that back row selection... haha.

I did see "Crash" and can only say, you totally need some man-eating wheels like Stephen King's Christine or big rig Candy Cane if you're driving in LA. The vehicular and karmic mayhem in that sad flick was no joke. It's a good thing we can just shuffle down the Blvd to get to the library and the dirty bar. Even if you drive there's still only a 1/365 chance that Bumper B will smack your Intrepid or that the BMX mob will carjack your Lincoln Navigator. David Cronenberg's 1992 "Crash" rocked freaky car-nooky instead of racial tension.....either way your Volvo catches on fire.

Also, Hollywood's really got me big thinkin' about why flix on boxers are always destined to be "critically acclaimed", "feel good movies" about the "triumph of the Human Spirit". The Champ, Raging Bull (not so much), Rocky I thru infinite and now Million Dollar Baby and Cinderella Man ....WTF? Is it because some Italian/Irish- American brother or sister opens a can of whoopass on an Eastern European uber-nietzsche type? Think bad guys Ivan Drago, Max Baer or Billie the Blue Bear. That should have passed with the Reaganomics. Perhaps we like a little punch drunk visceral violence after all the fancy car chase/ gun-fight / nuclear Armageddon stuff that rocks the matinees. I don't know why people dig 'em but it's probably the same reason you can't get a seatin the Caddy on mud-wrestlin' Mondays. Triumph of spirit indeed.

Bloodhound Gang says "Yes I'm Siskel, Yes I'm Ebert and you're getting 2 thumbs up..."

Smoke and a Pancake....No Coffee.

Hello Lenten Repentsters!

Generally, Patches and I laissez les bonne temps roulez down in the Big Easy on Mardis Gras. That Bitch Katrina kinda put the Kybosh on that...so what to do? This year we watched Napoleon Dynamite, ate Paczkis and drank Luckys (Patches has the hots for Tina the Llama), then we went to the Caddy for a little pre-Lenten hustle and flow. It was actually waaay liturgical. A totally jumpin' joint to bring in 40 days of self-denial. Cadillac Hurricanes are nearly as good as the ones on Bourbon St....just chunkier. Check all the villagers "shaking the Shrove". Martini says "Coors Lights and Peter Jacksons for everyone!"

So now it's Ash Wednesday and I can't decide what to give up. I've already had a Wildcat, a dart and a plate of smelt this morning so those are staying with me. It's gotta be the ultimate sacrifice. No Tim Hortons. No more double doubles w Prince Igor vodka, no more cruellers, no more rrrrroll up the rrrrrim to win until Easter Sunday. Do you think they started that campaign at Lent as a subtle anti-papist shout down? Free Masons rock Timmy HoHos. If you're there some March Morning, tell Krazy Mary and Pat Rink I miss them and I hope they win one of 100 Plasma TVs or 30 Rav4s. Mean Drive-thru girls...I'll see you again when the symbolic bolder is pushed away from Timmy's door......