We Gonna Party like it's.......

Happy Birthday Jackasses!

50 Cent must have been hangin' on Rondeau Bay when he penned his breakthru hit.....coz all over the joint, there's a June birthday. Start saving your pennies coz this month, you'll be buying shots of SoCo for Porn Star Shannon (saturday) from the 'hood, Rondeau Bman (2 weeks saturday), our local Cabin Queen (sunday) and, of course Ricardo(sunday)! Don't forget, if you're out of birthday present ideas, there will be some fine regifts to be gotten @ the yard sale on Saturday!

Be at the bar @ midnight Saturday for a rousing game of that birthday favorite "Pin some tail on the Donkeys." ...loves it.

Secret Order of the Erieau Lighthouse Keepers

Hello Illuminati Hotties,

Ever since Dan Brown dropped the "Davinci Code" like it's hot, folks have had their ears to the ground looking for crazy conspiracy theories and secret societies. You knew when the celluloid version opened last week, the paranoia would only reach fever-pitch.

Hey hey "Erieau News" has got it covered! For over 6 months, Pseudo-Buddhist-Volunteer-Librarian John, Rondeau Bman and I have been undertaking some serious surveillance to confirm that these little esoteric societies aren't covertly marauding here in our most egalitarian village.

Dudes, they totally are. Our sneaker-panther sleuthing skills have uncovered the heretofore unknown "Secret Order of the Erieau Lighthouse Keepers". Observe the above photo of Brother Jimmy giving Brothers Brian and Mark the secret Lighthouse Keeper greeting. Sources say they meet every other Thursday (opposite Fire Practices) at the pier lighthouse and discuss gnostic fables and the moral responsibilities of lighthouse keepers in Post Modern society, then drink beers.

They might not know where the Grail is like the Templar-types or control the free market economy like the Masons... hell they might not even drink as much as them Moose Lodge boys, but the Lighthouse Keepers "like to move it move it". Check the hidden camera footage we bagged of Brothers Mark and Brian on our secret lighthouse cam:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rrdtXxzhBWA&feature=MostReferred&page=1&t=t&f=b

If this is a secret ritual, Patches says it beats the hell out of riding a masonic goat!

This little Piggy went to Shrewsbury!

Hello Spit Bosses,

So I'm always waaaay down with the holiday weekend. Not just because everyone's got the raving dipsomania and lighting fireworks (I like the burning schoolhouse the best), but also because it's like the opening day of summer and that's when everybody wants to be hot village people, like us. I also like summer because it's when all the little 'burgs have sorry-themed community events so they can put up a beer garden. Big cities like Blenheim and Chatham have the "fests". I'm talking about..... Buffalofest, Cherryfest, HillyBilly fest (Tilbury...qu'elle surprise) and "WAMBO" all consisting of a parade, a tiltawhirl and Michelle Wright rockin' the mic. These kinda suck compared to our local events like the Shrewsbury BBQ that happened on Saturday. Golf carts from all over the 'hood pulled up at the Raglan Hall to sample pork and chicken and other soul food delights. Check this shot of Princess hitting the buffet. After dinner, Snoop Dogg and Erieau's own Operaman sang acapello versions of "Gin and Juice" and "Ain't Nothin' but a G-Thang". That's why the locals weren't as geeked as normal for Murray's Jimmy Buffett show.

In 2 weeks it's the EFD giant yard sale which is the best event of the year. Last year I scored a rhinestone studded halter for Patches, a lighthouse made entirely from Lucky Lager cans and a Bigmouth Billy Bass for the wall of the caboose.....all for the price of a pack of Peter Jacksons. I'm getting my own booth this year and selling keychains that I make out of fish netting, zebra mussles and beach glass. Patent pending so don't even think of stealing my design for your own booth.

LCBO in Erieau

Hello Friends of Bill W,

So I headed up to Tim's this morning to hook with my special "enhanced" double/double and I couldn't believe the buzz... Just when we thought we were having a hard enough time "makin' it right with that bottle", the LCBO has announced that 20 little communities, including Erieau, will be granted one "go-ahead-fool" for off-license sales. I don't know the specific bureocratic tender process but the LCBO are accepting "applications" from local businesses interested in selling the devil's breastmilk.

So who might be the lucky contestants........Abdul's? Barney's? Johnson's? DannyT's? The Bayview Bliss Cabin Canteen? or my personal favorites...The Minnow Gypsies'? Because contracts are usually granted for 5 years, the screening process is rigourous and involves a background check, financials, a quiz on the merits of Pelee Island wines and a swimsuit competition. These things considered, you might want to hold off using your emergency stash of Old Spice as Aftershave just yet.

Proud Mary Keep on Burning.......

Hello Lounge Lizards,

Pump up the volume and check it .......the "Erieau News" has entered a new dimension....a dimension not only of sight and mind, but of sound, y'all! SOUND! Yeah, in terms of quality it's the auditory equivalent of a Lucky Lager, but listen closely and I bet you'll recognize the crooners crankin out that old Fats Waller gem.
Nope it's not Ella and Louis, it's not Frank and Deano, it's not even Loretta and Conway (my personal faves) ....that's Murray and our own "Lady sings the Blues of the Lane" ...Crazy Mary. So shake your groove thang to the sweet sweet rhythm. Crazy Mary wanted me to let y'all know she's available for parties and bar mitzvahs. Just don't ask her to dance unless she's wearing a helmet or the venue is a rubber room. So Bumper B's drunken question of the week has been, "Would you let all the music go out of your life for a cool million dollars?". You know there's only one answer to that after listening to these minstral gypsies.

Keep on Rockin' at the fish docks!

Like a Fart in a Whirlwind

Hello Fellow Running Dog Lackies,

I know I'm behind on the postings, but I've been ridiculously busy lately... for a cat of leisure. All last week I was chained to the hem of Margie B's clamdigger pants (so 1987), spring cleaning cabanas. Margie made me do all the bathrooms, that "beotch". ...All that work just so those crazy birders can get juiced up on Pelee Island chardonnay (from Leaminton) and wear the lampshades like Tilley hats. I hear the guy presently staying in Cabana 69 likes to use his binoculars to watch his host and hostess in their lakeside hot-tub as much as for looking at Blackburnian Warblers....saucy!

This week, I'm busy helping Pat get the Rinky Dink stand set-up outside the Caddy. The manager dude from the 7-11 keeps coming over and trying to salt our game .... he's just jealous becoz, on the average, Pat's weiner is much bigger than his. Finally I have to find the ultimate Mother's Day present for my mom, Diamond Lil. I think I'm gonna steal a pool cue from the dirty bar and also give her a 6 pack of Budcans and half of my pack of Peter Jackson's...it makes a nice change from carnations.

So all this madness should come to an end just in time for the Victoria Day weekend. You can bet that Patches, Prince Igor and I will be chillin' and grillin' on the beach all weekend long. Check the above picture. That was me enjoying the holiday last year .... coz you gotta protect your most sensitive areas from the premature-aging effects of the sun.

Welcome Home Rusty!

Hello Nature Lovers,
Check this shot .... Rusty is swimming around the marina.....seriously. Tell Trixxxie to get on down to Barney's Boats and welcome home the prodigal beaver. What next...Richie's talking gnome hangin' at the skateboard park?

Junior Achievement .... Erieau Style

Hello Fellow Mentors to the Next Generation,

Don't you just love home-movies? Me too. I was going thru some super-8 footage from my days back at my alma mater, the Erieau PS ...good time, good times. Check this footage I found of our most amenable landlord, Tommy Potato, as a youth. No wonder he runs such a stellar bar....he started slogging beers down at the coal docks and worked his way up! Check it out y'all

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VmND7Mkc5TU&feature=Recent&page=3&t=t&f=b


Perhaps, in a shout out to this happy reminder of his fleeting youth, Potato will roll prices back to his neophyte bartending days .........

Rhyme of the Erieau Mariner.....

Word Kitties,
Did you ever think that in the eyes of virtually everyone in the world, we are very lucky to be living in a village edged on 3 sides by freshwater? Come on Y'all, pure water is a reactant in life-sustaining aerobic cellular respiration, a cornerstone of sacrament in every major religion and absolutely delicious when added, in small volumes, to Crown Royal. Potable water, as a precious commodity, transcends even earthly need. Ask Tom Cruise and he'll tell you it's why Xenu and the Body Thetans chose to wage their intergalactic battles here on the shores of Lake Erie, nearly 18 gajillion years ago. So the bottom line is Freshwater rocks.Now, I know you're thinkin' "Krazy Legg's Cousin, if Freshwater is so Ghetto-Fabulous, why is the globe nearly 70% covered in Saltwater and why would anyone who lives on a peninsula in Lake Erie tear down a bar and put in a Saltwater pool... Fool?"

I'm not saying saltwater is bad news ...au contraire. Human bodies have salt water o' plenty. The concentration of Sodium Chloride in the human body is around 3.5 %, and that's pretty simpatico with ocean water. We use saline solutions to treat wounds, clean contact lenses and rim margarita glasses. In swimming pools, NaCl is a cheap, body-friendly and natural way to keep the water clean. Also, according to Archimedes, objects are lighter and more buoyant in salt water (except cell phones, Matinee Special Mild Menthols and car starters) and that's therapeutic for joints and bones and good for preventing Hangovers...so Eureka! maybe the pool was a good call. All I'm sayin' is maybe someday, instead of swimming at the beach, you should give a salt water pool a try. You could get some friends together and check one out .......in daylight hours, with a life-guard on duty and the pool owner's permission of course. Here's another therapeutic use of salt water from India ...try this when you're tired of swimming laps

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jala_neti