Erieau News

2006-11-12T12:40:00.000-05:00

TGI Red Friday Kitties,

Big Ups to our men in service and our vetrans this Remembrance Day Weekend. To bring the magnitude of their service and sacrifice home, here's a little verse penned by our hometown hero Pte. Ryan Demeurichy while in Kandahar, Afghanistan this October:

Canadians lost so many men, I ask myself how?
The crack of a gun, the Blast of a bomb these seem natural now!
Men work days and countlesss nights
Without any hours of sleep in sight.

We fight for the country that is free
I fight for the country that has made me.
Courage, Respect and honour we live by
We must not have fear to die

The choppers fly over head
Trying to make the Taliban dead.
Gotta keep my head down - gotta stay low,
where a soldier dies a hero lies
While all other run with fear in their eyes.

Be sure this weekend that you give a "shout out" to anyone who fought so that you might enjoy personal and religious freedom, equality andhuman rights and to those who continue to fight so everyone, one day, might do the same.

If you want to send best wishes or some much needed supplies to Ryan specifically, talk to Connie, J-Vid or any of the Sandbar kitties to find out how to get hooked up. This month Ryan is taking some much deserved R&R in Amsterdam before he returns to Afghanistan (hopefully with his "gun freshly waxed", yo!

Erieau Hot Couple of the Week Returns!

2006-11-06T21:48:00.000-05:00

Hello Blind Pigs,

Their building might be condemned but their love certainly is not! Everybody shout it out for Flea & D... coz if yo' heart is warm, you don't need to button up your shirt!

The Persecution Presents....

2006-10-30T21:24:00.000-05:00

Exhibit "A"!

Victory for the under-"dogs"....Holla!

If Richie rocked the comics.......

2006-10-18T16:42:00.000-04:00

Exotic Squirrels in Erieau...Watch Yer Nuts!

2006-10-15T10:47:00.000-04:00

Hello Squirrely Villagers,

Dudes, I found out recently that a relatively new Village Person did not know that squirrels are exotic fauna in our fair peninsula. It's true. Although Squirrels have always been in Rondeau and Shrewswbury, God Knows, they never hung here in the village because we have no nut trees out of which they might eek a meager livin'.

Uncle Krazy tells me that his good buddy Turner-Burner changed all that around. Not happy with run of the mill pets like Pugs or Kitties or Goats (holla @ yo Boy Patches), Burner thought he'd go all Paris Hilton with the pets and get him some squirrels. Most of the village squirrels were natives of Swilbillies or Windsorites ...coz you know squirrels gotta live where there are nuts! Anyway, Fidget did a little catch and release over the years and, long story short, that's why our fluffy firends meet us on our decks and at our birdfeeders eqach morning! I can't wait til Turner-Burner releases his monkeys and kinkajoos!

And in a continued effort to rock the municiple vote, let me ask you informed blog fans:
If you lived in Erieau and wanted to run for Council, why would you do it in a Chatham Ward? Would it be because you attempted to dump herbicides in the bay on the relative downlow and that ticked off the weedhuggers? Political commentators, give us a shout-out!

Phyllis Dillah's Baby Momma!

2006-10-12T16:43:00.000-04:00

Hello Snowbunnies,

So Fleabee-geebie is mad @ me for accidently torching a Scarecrow when butting out a Peter Jackson. I'm not allowed in the Sandbar because I keep leaving the waitresses little kitties instead of tips, so where's a gangsta to find refreshment on Rondeau Bay? It's gotta be Dove's Bayside Bistro for sure. So feel the pain when saturday Night, this group of Erieaunians came into the joint. I overheard some Rondeaunians at the bar (the same ones who threw Patches in the bay dudes) comment on this Motley Crue:

"He looks like a dude that gets his rocks off drinking Red Bull Margarittas & watching the kind of Star Trek Episodes where T'Pau and Cpt.Kirk get their freak on w 7 randy, knee-high, space elves"

"She looks like she was waaay surprised to find a big black dildo on her seat in the Hot-Tub"
"She looks like she went AWOL from the Hipster army after taking the purple acid and scoring some bad knock-off handbags. Call Colonel Klink"
"He looks like the long lost heir to a "finger lickin' good" fortune!"

Rondeaunians...cruel but insiteful.

And now for a political message soon paid for by the concerned party:

Dudes, the "Erieau News" has wagged the dawg in this municipal election. I present our home-grown (organically of course) candidate Ken Bell for Councillor:

http://www.votekenbell.com/

Vidler for Mayor!

2006-10-11T21:11:00.000-04:00

Hello Municiple Minnions,

Ok, so Y'all know I'm a cat of leisure and try my best not to get involved in anything that might even slightly be labelled "Civil Obedience". But as I drive back and forth from Timmy's each day with my special Double Double Remedy, I have to ask myself, why are there sooo many Chatham-Kent Mayoral campaign signs in the Village for a dude who hangs his chapeau in Wallaceburg? Damn, fools...that's our municiple North Pole. I rock it all Laissez-faire but I have to ask y'all, where is the local representation? Ken Bell made us proud in the '05 Provincial Race, but who got our back in the 'ol townhall?
With this in mind, I hereby encourage all y'all (look Mary I used it correctly) to support our own J-Vid in the upcoming mayoral race. It's all in the genes baby...he's tall like Abe Lincoln, strategic like Napoleon, drinks a beer like Sir John A., wears slippers like Hirohito, and comes from a local political dynasty like the Kennedy's. If that's not an unbeatable combination, I'll eat 7 raw smelts. So on election day, when you see the "other" option...write in J-Vid....coz when was the last time (in her 2 terms) you saw Diane drinking a coffee @ Cathy's or doin' a little line dance @ "the joint whos name we dare not speak"? ....And let the Chips fall where they may, yo!

Rock the Vote, kittens!

SouthPark or the Sandbar??

2006-10-02T21:12:00.000-04:00

I can't tell the difference can you tell the difference, Mr. Hanky? Kenny? Stan? Anybody?

Who's filming that Erieau Porn????!!??

2006-09-26T22:27:00.000-04:00

Hello Boogie-Knighters,

Someone's gotta help Jackie out, yo! First Rusty the Beaver goes missing, then Blackie "the HARDEST workin' man in Erieau" is gone like the wind. Why oh why do all of our overtly sexual icons go missing? Is someone shooting an Erieau fluffer where the dildo and beaver hook it up? Also, Spitooey's missing. Is it a Menage-a-flick? Does someone got a little XXX studio set up in the fish-house? Are all the au naturel scenes getting shot in the Salt Water Pool? Somehow, I'm seeing the Bayview Bliss Cabins as the setting for this lurid cinematic joint. Blackie was last spotted on a bike outside of Bumper Bs. If you know of his present where-abouts....or, more importantly, the title of Erieau's first (known) adult entertainment flick, holla @ yo blog gangstas!

Hands Ooupp!

2006-09-23T14:31:00.000-04:00

Hello Dodge Dealer Denizens,

Guess who was representin' the village at the "Win a Dodge Caliber by listening to CKSY for the Most Continuous Hours" contest (Also they had to stand with their feet planted in one spot with 1 hand flat on the car). Let me give you a hint a la Kanye West:

"You see him at the Call Center
Any given Monday
Processin' the rebates
Then drives off in a Hyundai"

If you guessed Richie, you're right. He's still driving that Hyundai but the brothah did a village proud...15 hours 15 minutes...one of the last 4 hoopties with there hand on the Dodge. The endless standing and hours of your "At Work" favorites finally made Richie's eyes roll back and he let the Caliber go. Besides, everyone knows Richie never misses 10 oclock cocktail hour at the dirty bar Friday night. His feet were killin' him so here's yet another Saturday where Richie's walking funny. Holla @ yer Boy when you see him...and buy him a vodka.

Now this week's Truth In Advertising "Big Ups" go to Tommy Potato. Don't know what I'm talking about? Grab your Blenheim paper and check the Sandbar Specials. I bet that old Petula Clark number "Downtown" is getting a lot of play today at the "Joint who's Name We Dare Not Speak". Word.

God Bless Erieau....and Thomas Edison!

2006-09-17T04:37:00.000-04:00

Hello Powerless Villagers,

Observe the time of this post y'all... approximately 5:00 AM. That's because tonight/this morning was the CK PUC's "scheduled power outtage" in our typically electrifying little village. Patches and I like the "POs" because we can head down to the pier and catch up with all of our stellar friends without the crass intrusion of those artificial lights. Everybody holla @ yo' girls Pleides, Orion, Lyra, The Big and Little Dips and my personal favorite (coz David Crosby wrote a song about it), The Southern Cross and even a few UFOs, yo. It was so Klaatu's "Calling Occupants", I couldn't stand it. We were just getting our astronomical groove back when a little white Honda pulls up by the fish house carrying none other than Bumper B and Rich. Patches and I assumed that they had gone down to the pier to make-out beneath the stars, but nope, they waved us over. It seems that both of those fools had early nights (seriously) and were awakened by nature's darkness. Turns out Bumper B is almost as scared of the dark as she is of pleather handbags and fashion from Sears. Without a candle or working flashlight in the 'frame, she headed downtown. Rich woke up from his 8 pm siesta in total darkness and ran like hell to the dirty bar to get last call......shut down @ 3:00 am Scout!

So anyway, they invited us back to Rich's for a little cocktail and bedroom suite bonfire, so 2 dudes, a chick and goat packed into the Prelude (Honda should put that in their adverts) and headed back to Casa Ricardo. Over vodkas, we weighed our options. We could:
1. harass Vidler-ville under the cloak of night (not Jimmmmy, he owns guns)
2. go on an recognizance mission for Blackie @ the Bayview Bliss Cabins
3. wait outside St. Anne's until the service began in 8 short hours
4. catch up with Greta and Mark

Then, the power came back on and all bets were off. Rich went to Sieverts to shout out belated B-day wishes to Steph-J. Bumper B went back to the east-end to change her Kitty-Litty and touch up her fabulous black Chanel nails and I stole 3 Strongbows and 2 bottles of Raspberry wine out of the Prelude and Hyundai and broke into the library to send this message to you. Strongbow and Raspberry wine are a combination as equally delicious as moosetrack ice cream and rotten sardines, BTW! In view of the fact that the EFD fire chief Poncho could walk in here @ anytime, let me end succinctly. The next time they snuff the grid, head downtown. The rest of the Playas do. C'mon y'all...where else can you go where people hook up for cocktails @ 3:30 just because there's no powah? If that's all it takes to get your buzz on, those Mennonites in Shipshewana and St. Jacobs must all be about ready to hang with Betty Ford. Sorry..no photos. Patches sneezed on my digi and killed the flash.

A Grammar Lesson from LKDSB Retiree Crazy Mary

2006-08-20T20:06:00.000-04:00

"Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive.... and that's one to grow on fool's.

Erieau Summer Blockbusters!

2006-08-14T11:16:00.000-04:00

Hello Celluloid Heroes,

What if you were like me and couldn't afford a subscription to "People" magazine and couldn't stand the smell and the screaming kiddies @ the "Cinema 6" in Chatham? How could you get your taste of celebrity then, huh? Well it's easy in Erieau, yo. Two of the prime cinematic stars of summer were spotted in the Village just this weekend.

Now I didn't actually see Ricky Bobby in his WonderBread Jumpsuit and Monte Carlo, but I do know that someone got their Talledega Nights workin' on Rich's steps....word is the car BUMPER didn't fair too well either. Who else could that be but Ricky?

On Friday night, I was getting my buzz on @ the "Joint Whos Name We Dare Not Speak" when I swear I saw Capt. Jack Sparrow and posse enter the Sandbar. Avast ye Mateys, a pirate finally visiting Kent County's answer to Davey Jone's Locker. Capt Jack was rocking a head-kerchief, a torn white shirt with blood on the sleeve, ripped shorts and a braided beard. I wanted to get the 411 from him...was he here to get some Erieau booty? Was he looking for someone to walk his plank? Was that a spare wooden leg he was sportin' or was he just happy to see me?
I didn't get the chance to talk to him. He was chatting up Crazy Mary when I approached and she asked him if pirates really only got blown offshore....so I split. Aargh, if you talked to the pirate in the Sandbar on Friday, comment in and give us the buzz Matey! Be in Erieau next week for chance sightings of Superman and the mean boss from "The Devil Wears Prada". Later Buckaneers!

Get Outta the Kitchen.....

2006-08-07T19:53:00.000-04:00

Hello Civil Weekenders!

Those of you lucky enough to have had a 3 day hiatus from whatever Gulag you're slaving at need to remember not everyone was as fortunate this holiday weekend. You know it was a scorcher yesterday and today just sipping some Lucky lagers and dipping in the Erie, so imagine how intense it was for the brothers and sisters frying up the smelt and pickeral cheeks at our local hostelries.

Check it! Here's one kitchen kitty that could no longer stand the heat and got the hell out of the kitchen..... which reminds me, full moon's on Wednesday y'all!

Rondeau Bay's a Cruel Mistress

2006-08-03T08:33:00.000-04:00

Listen Up ye Ol' Seadogs,
Here's the 411. Timothy's BabyMomma (check the "comments", Fools) was absolutely right. I did take a hiatus from the Village, The Blog, The Legg's Clan, The Library, The Fishing Tugs, The East-side Hatfield/McCoy's, The Sandbar, The Joint Who's Name we Dare not Speak, The Salmon Derby, The Cadillac, Jackie's basement, The Bayview Bliss Cabin Fish Hut and all of my usual haunts. In a Hollaback to the Griswald's and their Holiday Road, KLC had a vacation, y'all! Instead of strapping Grandma to the roof and heading to Wally-World, I crammed Patches into the back of my Pinto and headed for the Summer Place on the outskirts of beautiful Downtown Rondeau Park. Shout out to the Landlords for letting me bring my goat. Potato and the Blissies won't even let you have service animals in their Cabanas. I like a "learning vacation" y'all, so I thought, why not see what life is like on the other side of that bay.

I must say visiting Rondeau is like visiting one of those quaint little European countries like Albania or Latvia. By that I mean everyone wears crocs and Lederhosen and they just seem to be like 5 years behind us trendy Erieauians. Check this: The Summer Place has only just now completed their very own Salt Water Pool on the edges of the Bay. Don't Rondeaunians know that briny redundancy is ever so 2004? The Rondeau Saltwater Pool is sooo new that the "Fun Rondeaunians" haven't yet violated it with a midnite dip!
Also, Rondeau is just now getting a Boozecan! I stumbled in on Saturday nite and it's kind of an amalgam of both Erieau Hotspots...meaning it's not liscensed and Murray is the houseband. It was totally Deja Vu all over again.
Finally we've all seen the van with the "Erieau" vanity plates cruising the village for the last decade at least. Some dude in a big white Shrewser-Cruiser actually has "Rondeau" vanity plates. Rondeauniains just keep following our lead y'all. BTW...did you ever wonder why no one rocks "C-Kent" or "Tilbury" or "Bothwell" vanity plates?

Anyway, the Rondeaunians were very friendly and Patches and I were just getting to know the local language and customs when our little vacay was surrepticiously cut short! The normally unassuming Rondeaunians turned into the nautical equivalent of Football Hooligans on Wednesday when the EYC sunk the RYC at the yearly regatta. When they found out that Patches and I were from "the village", they upturned, then torched my Pinto and threw Patches and I in the Bay. We had to swim through those weeds for our lives. The shot above shows Patches and I rolling up on the beach outside of the BBC..... and those dudes in lebanon thought they were having issues in foreign lands...oyVey!

All Aboard & Jump on the Ganja Bus!

2006-07-13T08:22:00.000-04:00

Hello Erieau Trustafarians,

Look what Patches found under my bed...The Ganja Bus invite! Good Times, Good Times. After I smoked the last Matinee Slims Menthol and spent the last dollar out of that purse I found in the GoldenTap, I kind of forgot about the whole trip. Everybody say "ho" if you got your funky busfare..."Ho!". Everybody who slept with Michelle Wright raise your hands......See you in Merlin, Topcat.

Gone in 60 seconds!

2006-07-12T10:14:00.000-04:00

Hey BO

You may think you got da bidnezz, but Potato's got the tractor, foo'!

Old School Erieau Hip-Op

2006-07-10T10:00:00.000-04:00

Shout out to the Gs and 'hos!

Everyone knows that music and locale have been intrinsic associates since even before Fred Flintstone rocked the "Bedrock Twist" in the Paleolithic Days of yore. In fact, so strong is the relationship between town and sound that some modern-day 'burgs have few other claims to notoriety beyond being the birthplace or epicenter of some sort of music. What's Detroit without Motown, Nashville without the "opry", Seattle without the Grunge or Cape Breton without its fiddlers? It could even be argued that all of the world's most fabulous cities have their own soundtrack. Paris has its Chanteuses and a jazz scene, New York's all Gershwin and Rio's down with that Samba.

So where does that leave Erieau? Sure, we all have soul (but we're not all soul-diers) as many of us play a little piano, guitar, squeezebox or washboard. But, is our musical legacy destined to be Murray singing "I'm my own Grandpa", Margie Bliss "dominica-nica-nica-ing" to her cabin kitties and a bunch of wranglers bootscottin' at the "joint who's name we dare not speak"? Hell no. On Saturday night, two musical worlds hooked up at the Sandbar and now we can say, Erieau is the original home of the Hip-Op. That's right, hip-hop and Opera all mixed together and it's a combination as unexpectedly intoxicating as gin and vermouth. You get a Doug E Fresh style Beat box dude from London to smooth the baseline and then a Placido Domingo style tenor from McGill to style the libretto. If you weren't hanging on the patio, it's totally "Amadeus" meets "Hustle and Flow" and you should stay out and drink more on Saturday nights. The shit was bananas. Mad "big ups" to singin' Dave and bassman Wes. Yeah, they're not villagers but Erieau is where the sound came together. Too bad for us, the next show tenatively won't happen until '07. Those cats are too cool to rock anything but one night only.

PS. We all knew Rich and Princess shared clothes but when did they start to dress alike? It's soo Olsen Twins (circa 1999) I can't stand it.

Erieau's Next Top Model

2006-07-06T07:12:00.000-04:00

Hello Covergirls & Boys,

You know, being "discovered" while making those snowbrushes @ Mallory's isn't the only way to have your mug rock the cover of Italian Vogue. Hell, no! You could also strike a pose Erieau-style. This means, getting styled in your finest Bargainshop gay apparel, knocking back a few Lucky Lagers to "release your inhibitions" and scouting an exotic location that will make the readers of those glossy mags wish they were there too.

Check these fabulous village kitties. Admittedly their Bargainshop '06 Cruisewear line is a little dated and some of them seem a little more inhibited than others, but the location scout did her job. You know and Puff Daddy knows that nothing says "Jetset" like a vintage tractor in front of "the joint who's name we dare not speak". Tyra banks and Janice Dickinson, if you're out there, let us know who love....coz in the words of Right Said Fred, "I'm too sexy for this Blog".

Pyrotechnimania

2006-06-28T12:52:00.000-04:00

Whazzzup Cherrybombs?

You all know that Canada Day/Independence Day weekend means nothing but cocktails and fireworks! I love lights in the sky, especially when they aren't battered-mushroom-induced. The quality and variety of the works have come a long way baby since I was a kid and they sold the gunpowder snake pellets and the consistently crappy burning school houses. Now the word all over Chatham-Kent is that the EFD puts on the best display this side of Epcot..or at least the Detroit River. You should check it.
Last year this party was bananas, so on Saturday at dusk, grab a bit of beach and wait for the show to start. The buzz is that the Erieau Committee will be selling hotdogs and drinks @ the public beach this year. I know you're wondering how their weiners compare to Pat Rink's. You'll have to find out for yourselves, fools!

Show Ya the Numbers!

2006-06-27T15:04:00.000-04:00

Hello Euclidian Geometrixes,

Welcome to the 65th Post of the Erieau News. To underline the auspiciousness of this occasion, let me remind you that if the blog and Crazy Mary were both trees, the difference in their trunk rings would be undiscernable to the nekked eye. If the blog was a person, Stephen Harper would be cuttin' it a check for $400 each month (anyone know where a blog can get a SIN?). If the blog were a kitty, this would only be the 9.286th post. There are 5 more postings on this blog than there are ounces in a Texas Mickey....although the headaches and nausea after finishing either are quite comparable. If you had a bass for every post on this blog, the MNR would shake you down. That's a whole lot of time spent at the Erieau Library, Topcats! And to think the whole thing started in an attempt for me to find a creative cyber-activity other than surfing Assporn!

I must admit, I'm surprised how many hits our village news garners. With a trusty site tracker, the blog has recorded about 6800 visitors (which is like 104.615 hits/post) from exotic locales like New Zealand, TaiPei, Australia, Saudi Arabia, Buenos Aires and Europe. Don't get freaked by the graph shown above (there won't be a test) but it shows the country of the last hundred Erieau News visitors. Most of the traffic is local, but there also regular visitors from Barrie, Calgary, Florida, Ohio, Toronto, London and Michigan. Most people visit between 9-10am (Slackass workers) and most of y'all hang out on the blog for 2.48 minutes. Most vistors visit directly from a "favorites" link(thanks dawgs) and the most referrals come from search engine checks for "Erieau + Ontario", "Erieau News", "Molly and OJs" and "Erieau + fish". So bottom line on the stats chat for those of you who never rocked Finite Math and Differential Calculus at Erieau PS is simply this, People in the Cyberworld Heart Erieau and it's peeps! The numbers don't lie. And BTW, if you took the ratio of the circumference of the pie chart above to it's diameter, you'd get 3.14159265358979323846264338327950288419716939937510....ok I'm surfing back over to AssPorn.com again now.

Erieau Hot Couple of the Week 6/22/06

2006-06-22T12:51:00.000-04:00

Word Bloods and Crips,

More than one villager has made mention of a crazy Sicillian Vendetta/Godfather situation happening with the West Side Villagers. Dudes, can't you guys just get along like the Eastsiders? No judgement y'all. I live in the middle of the village myownself (easy access to the dirty bar).

So Jackie fed Patches some crazy battered 'shrooms and then took him to Collasanti's for some hot nanny goat petting zoo action. They had such a good time that they've already made plans to go the Morpeth Funk Party (with DJ Superfly) on Saturday nite. Hence I name them Hot Couple of the Week. In fact, they're going to be the last hot couple of the week for a while. Next up...Hot Tourist of The Week....send in your pics, kitties.

PS. Shout out to all the Brothers and Sisters missing Simon LeBon!

Erieau or Pettycoat Junction?

2006-06-20T10:01:00.000-04:00

Hello Historic Erieauians,
Check these old Post Cards I found in the "Legg's Family Archives". These vignettes of Erieau life even preceed my days at EPS or the Tilt'n Hilt'n . Sadly, I don't really know the story of our village but the train used to transport coal and people to the big metropolis Chatham .... I guess the train died out not because of the modern use of cleaner, more efficient fossil fuels but because, why would anyone want to leave Erieau to go to Chatham?

Hollaback for John 2:1-11

2006-06-15T10:24:00.000-04:00

Hello Corpus Crispies,
Today's the day y'all should be rocking the Eucharist. If you were one of the dudes that went fishing instead of to Sunday school let me break it down for you like this: Jesus transfigured himself into bread and wine , people ate him (at his request) and not soon after, our sins were forgiven. June 15th seems to be the anniversary of the Holy Supper so you should get yourself some consecratedOJ sunflower bread, a bottle of vino from the Wine Shoppe and get down with that sacrament. Jesus is Richie and my homeboy becoz he was always breaking out the cocktails or turning water into wine. If the dudes @ OPSEU have anything to say about it, a similar miracle may be the only way to get yer buzz-on in Erieau even today. Check the article below.

LCBO expands private liquor sales with 20 new 'agency' outlets
OPSEU demands moratorium and accuses Premier Dalton McGuinty of breaking another election promiseToronto (18 May 2006) - The Ontario Public Service Employees Union (OPSEU/NUPGE) is calling for a moratorium on the opening of any more privately-operated "agency" outlets of the Liquor Control Board of Ontario, pending appropriate public hearings.Another 20 potential new private outlets were announced by the government-owned board this week.OPSEU, which represents 6,000 LCBO employees, says the announcement today represents another broken promise by Premier Dalton McGuinty, who said before the election he would stop expansion of the agency stores program."The plan to open new agency stores is a direct threat to the LCBO's social responsibility mandate," says Mike Sullivan, acting chair of the OPSEU division representing LCBO workers."These stores are private businesses, so there is always a potential conflict between maximizing profits and the best interest of the community. The LCBO has no way to guarantee agency stores won't sell alcohol to minors, people who are intoxicated, or people who may drink and drive."As well as undercutting social responsibility, agency stores short-change the communities they are supposed to benefit, OPSEU says. "Customers deserve the top quality service and selection that a real LCBO store provides," Sullivan said."In most of the 20 communities, there is a public liquor store just a few kilometres down the road. Why not expand these stores' selection and hours of operation rather than undercut them with poorly stocked private stores?"Diverting revenue into agency store profits also jeopardizes the LCBO's ability to generate provincial revenue to pay for health care, education and public services, the union says.The 20 communities where the LCBO could open new agency outlets are: Amberley, Brigden, Castleton, Chaffey's Lock, Clear Creek, Dashwood, Erieau/Erie Beach, Flesherton/Eugenia, Gobles/Princeton, Lighthouse Cove, Lowbanks/Long Beach, McArthur Mills, McGregor, Melbourne, North Augusta, Oil Springs, Port Franks, Rockton, Walters Falls and White Lake. The new stores could open by late 2006 or 2007, the government says.

NUPGEWeb posted by NUPGE: 18 May 2006

Hey, hey...you know from the ariel view, at least we have plenty of raw material for the #1 son to work with!

2 Days until the New and Improved Caddy

2006-06-14T09:53:00.000-04:00

Hi Lord Stanleys,

So, who's gonna be the first to have a Wildcat in the remodelled Cadillac Hotel? I bet the work done during their unfortunate hiatus will render the joint unrecognizable. I only hope the naughty vending machines in the bathrooms and the tobacco stained ceiling made the cut. If you got an invite to the Grand re-opening, you're a lucky, lucky playa...this is waay bigger than that Christmas Tree Festival in Chatham or Bman's Parrothead-o-rama.

So if the Caddy is new and improved, Pat knew he had to raise the bar on those dawgies he's been hawking from his Caddy-cart. Here's a shot of him and Pistol, the County's #1 HotDog fan, trying to find a totally tubular taste extravaganza in their secret test kitchen.....and y'all thought Mama Maria's was the place to go for dinner.

'Scuse Me While I Kiss the Sky

2006-06-13T10:17:00.000-04:00

Hello Flower Children,
So I didn't get to post yesterday because I was still a little under the weather from the weekend dudes. I was going to keep it on the d/l this weekend and fix up my caboose by the bay ...you know what I'm talking about...all those things you gotta do to get ready for the summer like flea-dipping Patches, wash-and-waxing the Pinto, power washing my garden gnomes....coz Erieau will rock "Communities in Bloom".

Anyway, on Friday night, before tackling that to-do list, I had some very VIP-battered mushrooms for dinner at the dirty bar instead of my usual Smelt Platter. All I can say is Timothy Leary must be the new chef and Potato must get those shrooms from BC because I think I was hallucinating all weekend. Check this:

1. After I left the bar the sky turned pink. Up ahead in the distance I saw a sign for the Slip-In beckoning me in for a cocktail. So off I went and had a Margarita. I think Poncho was there. When I left the bar, I was soaking wet and kind of Salty.

2. Then I went to The Bayview Bliss Cabins coz those fools still haven't paid me for cleaning the camp cans. When I looked in the window, there was one Bliss wearing a shirt with monkeys and bananas on it and a grass skirt and the other wore a coconut-shell bra and a cotton nighty...kinksters! Then the sky changed from pink to dark blue.

3. Finally, I stopped by Uncle Krazy's. Trixxxie and Uncle Joe were drinking beer with Gunner and the Seeing Double Eyedog. The dog would polish off his beer and then put the empties back in the case...which is more than I can say for the Toxxxic Twins. One time Jackie tried to give the dog water, so he bit her in the leg.

I finally woke up only just an hour ago. Forget about the smelt Topcats, from now on...I'm all over those mushrooms! I gotta dash, I' hear Trix and Pistol are bottling their wine today..which should be an equally trippy experience! Check "Toast and Jam" singing about their visit to Erieau 2 weeks ago!

VIllage Person or Tourist?

2006-06-09T09:54:00.000-04:00

Hello June Bugs,

As you know, Lake Erie communities are anticipating the fast-approaching beginning of the tourist season. Visitors are good. They keep the local moneymaker shakin', are appreciative of our local color and often get drunk and hook up with those of us who have worked our way through everything the village has to offer.

But how can you tell a tourist from a local? Not by the clothing. Since Jimmy Buffett became a Rondeau Bay cult hero you're as likely to see one of us in a Hawaiian shirt and flipflops as a visitor. Not by the camera around the neck. I think this blog kinda proves that those are everywhere. Heck even the crowd at the public beach are 50/50: locals/visitors. The only way to tell a true villager (someone who has been in town for 20 + years or born there) is by a remarkable geographically-isolated genetic mutation. As the shot above demonstrates, real villagers can be identified only by their ever-so-slightly oversized heads. It's almost as difficult as identifying a female warbler in the fall migration for all you birders out there.

Erieau's Embassadors to the Emerald Isle

2006-06-07T12:19:00.000-04:00

Hello Travelling Jones',
Back in the days at my ol' alma mater Erieau PS, the arrival of June always brought with it the most anticipated event of the academic year. I'm not talking about field day or the "take-home" of that scathing report card. You know June was all about the class field trip. Picture all of Erieau's "hope for the future" loaded onto a Badder bus with smelt-salad sammiches, green freshee and a king dong. Cool kids like Turtle, Chicken and Tommy Potato forced their way to the back of the bus whilst I was stuck up front, sitting beside my mom Lil, a school chaperone...doh! Much like the Merry Pranksters on their Electric Koolaid Acid Tests, we spread psychedelia and goodwill as we visited exotic locals like Uncle Tom's Cabin, Jack Miner's and the Bulldog Steelwool factory in Thamesville. There really is life outside of Erieau ....who knew?

So in a hollaback to the roaming spirit of the month, the Mean Leprechaun Bouncer Dude and his Posse are returning to their ancestoral homeland. You know that can only be Ireland. Bouncer dude thinks it's time to return to "his own ones", drink some Guinness, get in on some craic and learn the traditional ways of the leprechaun bouncer. I believe these include learning the secret recipe of an Irish carbomb (a shooter), kneecapping anyone caught smoking in the bathrooms and making poteen with the kitchen's left over french fries. Per the picture above he's already practicing the traditional leprechaun way of asking a colleen back to his digs. The colloquial language is typically the hardest things for foreigners to pick-up when they visit the Emerald Isle. Here's a few Irish to Erieau translations I found in the stacks of the library:

Lagered: drunkety-drunk-drunk, like everyone in the Dirty Bar @ 2 am
Oi: "Yo Yo Yo", as in "Check this out" or "Nobody's listening to me!"
Bevvies: cocktails, like a Lucky or Prince Igor/Tang
Hooley: a party in the kitchen after the pubs all close down like @ Richie's/Martini's/Sievert's
Holy Joe: sanctimonious person...basically the opposite of "Uncle Joe"
Do a Legger: Run from the scene after doing something sketchy like Bumper B.
Off the Drink: Hungover or Saturday mornings in the Village
Eejit: Someone who lives at the beach and puts in a pool

Safe trip to ya Half-Kitty and Leprechaun Bouncer....and remember this quaintest of Irish toasts:

"May the cat eat you and may the devil eat the cat...you fekkers!"

Victor Hugo Hearts the Caddy

2006-06-05T15:21:00.000-04:00

'sup Fish Flies?

I'm afraid I have some bad news for those of you who thought you'd get some Caddy-mackin' in this weekend. The Man has shut that joint down temporarily for a variety of petty complaints. My head aches with the injustice of it all (or maybe with the 23 Luckys I drank at the closing ceremonies last night). How can they shut down the Caddy for being a fight club? No persecution has been this alarming since Javert tossed Jean Valjean in the clink for stealing that baguette. You can't deny folks basic human needs like food, cheap draft and bar brawls. Someone needs to call Amnesty International immediately if not sooner. Help us Bono!
So how you gonna make it through this arrid siege? I recommend grabbing a case of Lakeport, a bottle of Prince Igor and then going down to the beach to dig the summer night sky. Check this shot taken of Lake Erie and our neighbours in Ohio from the vantage of our fabulous shorelines. I bet the bright lights of Cleveland have got you missing the nightlife in Blenheim already ....not.

We Gonna Party like it's.......

2006-05-30T13:04:00.000-04:00

Happy Birthday Jackasses!

50 Cent must have been hangin' on Rondeau Bay when he penned his breakthru hit.....coz all over the joint, there's a June birthday. Start saving your pennies coz this month, you'll be buying shots of SoCo for Porn Star Shannon (saturday) from the 'hood, Rondeau Bman (2 weeks saturday), our local Cabin Queen (sunday) and, of course Ricardo(sunday)! Don't forget, if you're out of birthday present ideas, there will be some fine regifts to be gotten @ the yard sale on Saturday!

Be at the bar @ midnight Saturday for a rousing game of that birthday favorite "Pin some tail on the Donkeys." ...loves it.

Secret Order of the Erieau Lighthouse Keepers

2006-05-25T12:57:00.000-04:00

Hello Illuminati Hotties,

Ever since Dan Brown dropped the "Davinci Code" like it's hot, folks have had their ears to the ground looking for crazy conspiracy theories and secret societies. You knew when the celluloid version opened last week, the paranoia would only reach fever-pitch.

Hey hey "Erieau News" has got it covered! For over 6 months, Pseudo-Buddhist-Volunteer-Librarian John, Rondeau Bman and I have been undertaking some serious surveillance to confirm that these little esoteric societies aren't covertly marauding here in our most egalitarian village.

Dudes, they totally are. Our sneaker-panther sleuthing skills have uncovered the heretofore unknown "Secret Order of the Erieau Lighthouse Keepers". Observe the above photo of Brother Jimmy giving Brothers Brian and Mark the secret Lighthouse Keeper greeting. Sources say they meet every other Thursday (opposite Fire Practices) at the pier lighthouse and discuss gnostic fables and the moral responsibilities of lighthouse keepers in Post Modern society, then drink beers.

They might not know where the Grail is like the Templar-types or control the free market economy like the Masons... hell they might not even drink as much as them Moose Lodge boys, but the Lighthouse Keepers "like to move it move it". Check the hidden camera footage we bagged of Brothers Mark and Brian on our secret lighthouse cam:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rrdtXxzhBWA&feature=MostReferred&amp;amp;page=1&t=t&f=b

If this is a secret ritual, Patches says it beats the hell out of riding a masonic goat!

This little Piggy went to Shrewsbury!

2006-05-23T10:09:00.000-04:00

Hello Spit Bosses,

So I'm always waaaay down with the holiday weekend. Not just because everyone's got the raving dipsomania and lighting fireworks (I like the burning schoolhouse the best), but also because it's like the opening day of summer and that's when everybody wants to be hot village people, like us. I also like summer because it's when all the little 'burgs have sorry-themed community events so they can put up a beer garden. Big cities like Blenheim and Chatham have the "fests". I'm talking about..... Buffalofest, Cherryfest, HillyBilly fest (Tilbury...qu'elle surprise) and "WAMBO" all consisting of a parade, a tiltawhirl and Michelle Wright rockin' the mic. These kinda suck compared to our local events like the Shrewsbury BBQ that happened on Saturday. Golf carts from all over the 'hood pulled up at the Raglan Hall to sample pork and chicken and other soul food delights. Check this shot of Princess hitting the buffet. After dinner, Snoop Dogg and Erieau's own Operaman sang acapello versions of "Gin and Juice" and "Ain't Nothin' but a G-Thang". That's why the locals weren't as geeked as normal for Murray's Jimmy Buffett show.

In 2 weeks it's the EFD giant yard sale which is the best event of the year. Last year I scored a rhinestone studded halter for Patches, a lighthouse made entirely from Lucky Lager cans and a Bigmouth Billy Bass for the wall of the caboose.....all for the price of a pack of Peter Jacksons. I'm getting my own booth this year and selling keychains that I make out of fish netting, zebra mussles and beach glass. Patent pending so don't even think of stealing my design for your own booth.

LCBO in Erieau

2006-05-15T12:34:00.000-04:00

Hello Friends of Bill W,

So I headed up to Tim's this morning to hook with my special "enhanced" double/double and I couldn't believe the buzz... Just when we thought we were having a hard enough time "makin' it right with that bottle", the LCBO has announced that 20 little communities, including Erieau, will be granted one "go-ahead-fool" for off-license sales. I don't know the specific bureocratic tender process but the LCBO are accepting "applications" from local businesses interested in selling the devil's breastmilk.

So who might be the lucky contestants........Abdul's? Barney's? Johnson's? DannyT's? The Bayview Bliss Cabin Canteen? or my personal favorites...The Minnow Gypsies'? Because contracts are usually granted for 5 years, the screening process is rigourous and involves a background check, financials, a quiz on the merits of Pelee Island wines and a swimsuit competition. These things considered, you might want to hold off using your emergency stash of Old Spice as Aftershave just yet.

Proud Mary Keep on Burning.......

2006-05-12T10:07:00.000-04:00

Hello Lounge Lizards,

Pump up the volume and check it .......the "Erieau News" has entered a new dimension....a dimension not only of sight and mind, but of sound, y'all! SOUND! Yeah, in terms of quality it's the auditory equivalent of a Lucky Lager, but listen closely and I bet you'll recognize the crooners crankin out that old Fats Waller gem.
Nope it's not Ella and Louis, it's not Frank and Deano, it's not even Loretta and Conway (my personal faves) ....that's Murray and our own "Lady sings the Blues of the Lane" ...Crazy Mary. So shake your groove thang to the sweet sweet rhythm. Crazy Mary wanted me to let y'all know she's available for parties and bar mitzvahs. Just don't ask her to dance unless she's wearing a helmet or the venue is a rubber room. So Bumper B's drunken question of the week has been, "Would you let all the music go out of your life for a cool million dollars?". You know there's only one answer to that after listening to these minstral gypsies.

Keep on Rockin' at the fish docks!

Like a Fart in a Whirlwind

2006-05-10T07:26:00.000-04:00

Hello Fellow Running Dog Lackies,

I know I'm behind on the postings, but I've been ridiculously busy lately... for a cat of leisure. All last week I was chained to the hem of Margie B's clamdigger pants (so 1987), spring cleaning cabanas. Margie made me do all the bathrooms, that "beotch". ...All that work just so those crazy birders can get juiced up on Pelee Island chardonnay (from Leaminton) and wear the lampshades like Tilley hats. I hear the guy presently staying in Cabana 69 likes to use his binoculars to watch his host and hostess in their lakeside hot-tub as much as for looking at Blackburnian Warblers....saucy!

This week, I'm busy helping Pat get the Rinky Dink stand set-up outside the Caddy. The manager dude from the 7-11 keeps coming over and trying to salt our game .... he's just jealous becoz, on the average, Pat's weiner is much bigger than his. Finally I have to find the ultimate Mother's Day present for my mom, Diamond Lil. I think I'm gonna steal a pool cue from the dirty bar and also give her a 6 pack of Budcans and half of my pack of Peter Jackson's...it makes a nice change from carnations.

So all this madness should come to an end just in time for the Victoria Day weekend. You can bet that Patches, Prince Igor and I will be chillin' and grillin' on the beach all weekend long. Check the above picture. That was me enjoying the holiday last year .... coz you gotta protect your most sensitive areas from the premature-aging effects of the sun.

Welcome Home Rusty!

2006-05-05T07:51:00.000-04:00

Hello Nature Lovers,
Check this shot .... Rusty is swimming around the marina.....seriously. Tell Trixxxie to get on down to Barney's Boats and welcome home the prodigal beaver. What next...Richie's talking gnome hangin' at the skateboard park?

Junior Achievement .... Erieau Style

2006-05-04T15:27:00.000-04:00

Hello Fellow Mentors to the Next Generation,

Don't you just love home-movies? Me too. I was going thru some super-8 footage from my days back at my alma mater, the Erieau PS ...good time, good times. Check this footage I found of our most amenable landlord, Tommy Potato, as a youth. No wonder he runs such a stellar bar....he started slogging beers down at the coal docks and worked his way up! Check it out y'all

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VmND7Mkc5TU&feature=Recent&page=3&t=t&f=b

Perhaps, in a shout out to this happy reminder of his fleeting youth, Potato will roll prices back to his neophyte bartending days .........

Rhyme of the Erieau Mariner.....

2006-05-01T14:24:00.000-04:00

Word Kitties,
Did you ever think that in the eyes of virtually everyone in the world, we are very lucky to be living in a village edged on 3 sides by freshwater? Come on Y'all, pure water is a reactant in life-sustaining aerobic cellular respiration, a cornerstone of sacrament in every major religion and absolutely delicious when added, in small volumes, to Crown Royal. Potable water, as a precious commodity, transcends even earthly need. Ask Tom Cruise and he'll tell you it's why Xenu and the Body Thetans chose to wage their intergalactic battles here on the shores of Lake Erie, nearly 18 gajillion years ago. So the bottom line is Freshwater rocks.Now, I know you're thinkin' "Krazy Legg's Cousin, if Freshwater is so Ghetto-Fabulous, why is the globe nearly 70% covered in Saltwater and why would anyone who lives on a peninsula in Lake Erie tear down a bar and put in a Saltwater pool... Fool?"

I'm not saying saltwater is bad news ...au contraire. Human bodies have salt water o' plenty. The concentration of Sodium Chloride in the human body is around 3.5 %, and that's pretty simpatico with ocean water. We use saline solutions to treat wounds, clean contact lenses and rim margarita glasses. In swimming pools, NaCl is a cheap, body-friendly and natural way to keep the water clean. Also, according to Archimedes, objects are lighter and more buoyant in salt water (except cell phones, Matinee Special Mild Menthols and car starters) and that's therapeutic for joints and bones and good for preventing Hangovers...so Eureka! maybe the pool was a good call. All I'm sayin' is maybe someday, instead of swimming at the beach, you should give a salt water pool a try. You could get some friends together and check one out .......in daylight hours, with a life-guard on duty and the pool owner's permission of course. Here's another therapeutic use of salt water from India ...try this when you're tired of swimming laps

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jala_neti

Now What am I Gonna do this Weekend?

2006-04-28T12:26:00.000-04:00

Hello Peel and Eaters,

Looks like last night, a totally different kind of hose was getting pumped at JR's, a "gentleman's club" in Chatham. . . that's right, I'm talkin' bout firetrucks. Why are our "local ballets" always blazing up like Great White venues? Is it bad electrical planning for the saucy little light shows? Are patrons and employees not carefully extinguishing contraband, "after-glow" Peter Jackson's? Does the "shower with a stripper" booth run on some kind of super volatile fuel? I don't have the answers to these questions, but I do know this: The loss of JRs leaves a big hole in the Adult Entertainment market for upstarts like "Papa Bear and Dove's" and "The Overflow"...coz you know Spanky's shouldn't hold a monopoly on "$6 draft with a pubic hair floating in it" sales.

Erieau Hot Couple of the Week 04/24/06

2006-04-24T11:50:00.000-04:00

Hello Rainy Day People,

Yeah, they are technically still in the Newlywed phase (although it looks like the Honeymoon may be over if someone doesn't let go of that Bud Light). But in the words of Al Jarreau, these cats are "in this love together...like berries on the vine, it gets sweeter all the time". When a brother will move boulders from one side of your pond to the other, you know it's true love.

Connie and Dan stock Erieau with fishes and wine, just like Jesus did. That's why they are hot couple of the week.

Crackheads love Tomatoes!

2006-04-18T12:23:00.000-04:00

Hello Masochistic Leaf Fans,

So Moneysense Magazine named freakin' tomato-pickin' Leaminton as the best place to live in CANADA, not SW-Ontario, but the whole damn country.

http://torontosun.com/Money/2006/04/11/1529479-sun.html

I say props to Sun Parlour kitties because they're on Lake Erie and Stompin' Tom Conners wrote a song about them. Also, it must be fun waking up to wafts of ketchup, pig manure and baby food each morning. But seriously check the sunsets and vistas from our village, then tell me the Moneysense Pollsters weren't on crack....never gonna happen.

Erieau Hot Couple of the Week 04/17/06

2006-04-13T11:18:00.000-04:00

Hello Ressurection Fans,

Lent ended yesterday so you better believe that first thing this morning, I grabbed a bottle of Prince Igor and a deck of Peter Jacksons, (thanks Flippy) then headed immediately to the Blenheim Timmy's for a little high octane double/double delite. The mean counter girls gave me their requisite morning grunt, even after my 40 day and 40 night absence, but it still felt like coming home. Snap! talk about Easter Miracles.....Pat Rink rolled up the rim to find he was one of 10000 lucky caffeine freaks to win a Broil King BBQ!! I'm serious y'all. Not one to spurn a gift from the fates, he's taking his proverbial "fishing pole" and catching his dinner. Look for him and the Broil King set up outside the Caddy. He's going head to head with the 7-11 and starting a hotdog cart. Crazy Mary told him to name it "Rinky Dink's Rinky Dinkies". Sounds delicious. Way to go Pat!

Speaking of the Caddy, check the hot couple of the week. He's an enterprising young man who's trying to keep the flags flying high over a historic local watering hole. She's an ambitious career-gal looking for love and companionship in all the wrong places. Everyone give a shout out to the hardest-working couple in the "bar bizz". Korey hearts Walt..... and it's too Sam and Diane for words. We've been calling her the Cadillac Princess for years, now she's working on getting into the line of secession. You go Girl!

Flippy The Easter Crappy ...A New Village Icon.

2006-04-11T09:24:00.000-04:00

Hello Hot Crossed Bun Lickers,

So I know I'm behind on my postings, but I've been hanging at the library with pseudo-Buddhist volunteer librarian dude, researching the Pagan origins of Christian holidays......no really. My pirated Starchoice got shut down (Patches chewed through the co-ax, man) so I thought I would rock my inner-Dan Brown and check into these things.

It turns out that Easter is named after the Pagan fertility goddess "Ostara" (sounds kinda like "Easter" dunnnit?). The Pagans, at the advent of Spring used to hide X-rated eggs throughout Pagan-ville because, you know, eggs are a sign of fertility and that's what spring's all about. Then they would drink a bunch of Mead or Strongbow or whatever Pagans drank and get their freak on while they searched for the archaic porn. Also, the symbol of Ostara is a rabbit...that's where the Easter bunny comes into the mix. That stuff's got absolutely nothing to do with the King James version of the holiday, dude.

So, if Christianity can tailor a Pagan holiday to market its cause to the masses, why can't the Erieau Fighterfighters and their booster club do the same darn thing? Forget the kiddie egg hunt on the boulevard. To be sympatico with our own history and traditions, I think we should have Flippy, the Easter Crappy hide Peter Jacksons and Budcans throughout the village. At Midnight on Good Friday, everyone in the Sandbar who has run out of darts and money could go out on a hunt, putting their booty into a decorated beercase instead of an Easter Basket......coz let's face it, children really shouldn't be involved in Pagan rituals anyway.

It's Hard Out Here for a Pimp!

2006-04-03T16:11:00.000-04:00

Hello April Fools,

I don't even know what to say about this "glama-shot" other than a bright red or midnight blue bra would have been a better compliment to your eyes, my brother. Also, next time, for the optimal look of contentment, pretend you're floating in the ocean surrounded by a million tiny sea-horses......I heart Napoleon Dynamite.

Listen Y'all,
Don't forget to ask Jim and Shannon about the Shrewsbury Leprechaun. They say it's Mobile, Alabama, but nope, it's the 'hood.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nda_OSWeyn8&eurl=http://www.kittenpants.org/daily/20060330.asp

Erieau Goes To Collingwood and it's Deja Vu All Over Again!

2006-03-30T12:27:00.000-05:00

Hello 1 armed Bandits,
Am I the only one who ever thinks that Erieau, a tiny little community in a reasonably insignificant part of Ontario, kinda/sorta sets the pace for what's Au Courant in pop culture in this province? Some of you more argumentative Kitties are thinking, "Look fool, Erieau is hardly the center of the hipster universe!" But I say, let me break it down for you like this:

1. In 2004 Pilbeam and Trixxxie bring the beaver, a once venerated but then only nickel-worthy national mascot back to the forefront of Erieau symbology after stealing Rusty on a night of Caddy-mackin'. Snap! One year later, Bell Canada tries to turn 2 Claymation beavers into the Canadian equivalent of the Budweiser clydesdales.

2. Also in fall 2004 Jimmmy V takes over Cabana 69 and covers everything that isn't moving in Mossy Oak Camo. Flash forward to the Dior Summer '05 Accessory collection and you'd swear Ted Nugent was the designer-in-residence. Then in fall'05 all the fancy stores like the Gap and Zellers are carrying Camo clothes (Jimmy has pumps but can't rock the 4 inch heels, according to Half-Kitty).

3. In Spring 05 Bman et al. decorate the chick on their "buck for luck" shamrock like a pirate while Sandarelli, Uncle Joe and Poncho become better aquainted with Captain Morgan .... then in the winter of 06, everyone's sporting puffy shirts, tall boots and eye patches and saying "Avast yea Mateys" whilst getting blown off-shore.

You might think these examples are pretty random but Princess, Richie, Trixxxxie and Bumper B agree with me. They all did a little ski fiesta to Collingwood this weekend and found traces of Erieau all over the damn Grey-Bruce. Check the Uncle Joe's furniture truck from Guelph. Those poseurs don't even know that Erieau Joe-fella has been working out of his plane white vans for nearly 20 years. The most blatant Erieau wannabe (next to Dana Post who's looking for a crib because Villagers are smokin' hot) is the soon to be opened "Tilt'n Hilton" in Arthur, Ontario. Those fools don't even know when to let 1979 go! Our Hilton had waay more tiltn than there's ever will...suckahs.

Bring on the Dancing Girls!

2006-03-24T08:55:00.000-05:00

Hello High Rollers,
I can't speak for anyone else, but I'm not yet completely re-hydrated after last Friday. This means that even though Johnny Cash is my personal saviour and spiritual mentor, I'm not going to Chicken n' Rib Night at the Golf Course, I'm not singing Burnin' Ring of Fire or Folsum Prison @ Fat Jimmyz, I'm not even going Caddy-mackin'. Nope, I'm keeping it on the down-low this weekend. I'm going to stay home and bath Patches and then marathon-watch celebrity poker. Why do I need the cast of "Friends" and Ben Affleck to teach me mad card skills? Well because Erieau gets it's Vegas on again very soon, Topcats....and I'm taking everybody's money this time.

When you think Vegas, you think bright lights, free cocktails, Elvis Impersonators and Cirque de Soleil. All of these things are nearly impossible to find in the Village. But mostly when you think Vegas, you think show girls ...luckily, Erieau's got that one covered! Can can Princess and Thomasina do the Can-Can? Damn right.

Erieau Hot Couple of the Week 03/21/06

2006-03-21T11:47:00.000-05:00

Hello Spring Flingers,

I bet that you're not surprised by this week's Hot Couple. Observe the top pic. It was taken in January '05 when their mackin' was still fresh and new. Trixxxie's got mad cowgirl skills, so she lassoed the Bman with her scarf of love. There's no way a dude who hosts semi-annual Phantasia joints is gonna turn down nasty woolen rainbow bondage. Still, we all wondered, can 2 freakers keep freakin' for the long haul or would Trix be left singing that old Lefty Frizzell nugget "Ever Since my Masochistic Baby Left Me, I got Nothing to Hit but the Bottle"?

Observe the bottom pic. It was taken on Friday night. Fourteen months and the hot fuss is still fo' shizzle. You know late in the evening, Trixxxie is dialling: "Hello 911 ....I'm on fire!"

Hence Trixxxie and Bman are the Erieau Hot Couple of the Week!

It Ain't Easy Being Green

2006-03-20T08:05:00.000-05:00

Hello Sexy Equinoxers!

We sho' drank a lot of damn beer on St. Patrick's Eve. My memories of Friday are as vague as the purpose of those little tiny houses with the lights in them, in the onion fields along the Erieau Road. I found these shots on my camera and they lead me to ask 1 million questions: Where the heck did all those jokers come from? Did Murray win Canadian Idol in months past and not tell anyone? Who told Jackie it was Chinese New Year? Just where did the mean bouncer dude stick his finger? Did Krazy Mary just cut one? Did Margie really say "I'll have what Martini's having"? Is Poncho still in that barstool etc etc etc........

Screw Kalamazoo...the King rocks the 'Eau

2006-03-15T08:41:00.000-05:00

Dia duit Beag Gabhar,

Hope y'all survived the full moon. So the buzz of last month was quite correct. Soures in the 'deau say the sold sign is on Lester's. The lucky new proprietor is rumored to also run a dreaded chain bar and grill in Chatham. It would totally be swinging the management paradigm to go from Danielski-style operations to franchise-style operations but hey, maybe the new owners are only looking for a quiet bayside cottage. I wonder if they'll be up and running for St. Patrick's?

Who needs a bar anyway when you can have a little margarita/twister combo with Elvis on your front lawn? No cover charge required.

Is "Dublin" Getting Your Mack on With Twins?

2006-03-14T12:02:00.000-05:00

Hello Wee Cluricauns,
St. Patrick's Day 'tis the grandest of all village holidays and it's only 2 days away. If you aren't from Erieau you probably think we have a big parade with baton twirling leprechauns, floats carrying dancing shamrocks and ceilidh bands and St. Patrick riding in the back of a pimped out Cutlass convertible. You might also think that we dye McGeechy's Pond green like they do with the Liffey. Listen you Eejit, these are all good ideas, but we don't need anything that fancy to get our green groove on. The village rocks St. Paddy's with a bunch of ice cold Guinness and verdant Coors Light + a Jimmy O'Buffett type one man band.

If you think it doesn't sound legit, you're wrong, you daft bugger. Our jam is so Galway-fabulous that folks of Irish heritage flock in from the 'hood, the Trailer Park, Cedar Springs and even Dealtown. Once I even saw a "landed" Irish Dude (his name was O' sumthin') from Rondeau breaking down a jig so mean that he nearly took out Gig, "Mr. 1 Man Band '95". That dancing brother is actually a professor of dentistry @ the "Sisters of Mercy" University in Detroit. This is a good thing because if he keeps River Dancing into stages, he's gonna need some chops work done for sure. Also village St. Paddy's Day is fun because the mean bouncer dude dresses like a gayed out garden gnome. He looks like he escaped from Richie's garden. Remember too, Pistol is the make-out queen when she's lagered, so if you wear a "Kiss Me I'm Irish" button, she'll likely let you smooch her without even asking to see the Irish roots on the family tree.

Not sure if you're a cluricaun or not?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cluricaun

Patches is scared!

The Balcony is Now Open Mofo.

2006-03-09T15:23:00.000-05:00

Hello Members of the Academy,
In a lone "shout out" to Oscar Sunday, I've been holed up bayside with Jiffy Pop, some Beaver Buzz (not what you're thinking, it's Canadian RedBull) and some choice picks from Aug's New Releases. BTW, dude, if you're out there, "American Wedding" is old...you need to "Aug"ment that back row selection... haha.

I did see "Crash" and can only say, you totally need some man-eating wheels like Stephen King's Christine or big rig Candy Cane if you're driving in LA. The vehicular and karmic mayhem in that sad flick was no joke. It's a good thing we can just shuffle down the Blvd to get to the library and the dirty bar. Even if you drive there's still only a 1/365 chance that Bumper B will smack your Intrepid or that the BMX mob will carjack your Lincoln Navigator. David Cronenberg's 1992 "Crash" rocked freaky car-nooky instead of racial tension.....either way your Volvo catches on fire.

Also, Hollywood's really got me big thinkin' about why flix on boxers are always destined to be "critically acclaimed", "feel good movies" about the "triumph of the Human Spirit". The Champ, Raging Bull (not so much), Rocky I thru infinite and now Million Dollar Baby and Cinderella Man ....WTF? Is it because some Italian/Irish- American brother or sister opens a can of whoopass on an Eastern European uber-nietzsche type? Think bad guys Ivan Drago, Max Baer or Billie the Blue Bear. That should have passed with the Reaganomics. Perhaps we like a little punch drunk visceral violence after all the fancy car chase/ gun-fight / nuclear Armageddon stuff that rocks the matinees. I don't know why people dig 'em but it's probably the same reason you can't get a seatin the Caddy on mud-wrestlin' Mondays. Triumph of spirit indeed.

Bloodhound Gang says "Yes I'm Siskel, Yes I'm Ebert and you're getting 2 thumbs up..."

Smoke and a Pancake....No Coffee.

2006-03-01T08:36:00.000-05:00

Hello Lenten Repentsters!

Generally, Patches and I laissez les bonne temps roulez down in the Big Easy on Mardis Gras. That Bitch Katrina kinda put the Kybosh on that...so what to do? This year we watched Napoleon Dynamite, ate Paczkis and drank Luckys (Patches has the hots for Tina the Llama), then we went to the Caddy for a little pre-Lenten hustle and flow. It was actually waaay liturgical. A totally jumpin' joint to bring in 40 days of self-denial. Cadillac Hurricanes are nearly as good as the ones on Bourbon St....just chunkier. Check all the villagers "shaking the Shrove". Martini says "Coors Lights and Peter Jacksons for everyone!"

So now it's Ash Wednesday and I can't decide what to give up. I've already had a Wildcat, a dart and a plate of smelt this morning so those are staying with me. It's gotta be the ultimate sacrifice. No Tim Hortons. No more double doubles w Prince Igor vodka, no more cruellers, no more rrrrroll up the rrrrrim to win until Easter Sunday. Do you think they started that campaign at Lent as a subtle anti-papist shout down? Free Masons rock Timmy HoHos. If you're there some March Morning, tell Krazy Mary and Pat Rink I miss them and I hope they win one of 100 Plasma TVs or 30 Rav4s. Mean Drive-thru girls...I'll see you again when the symbolic bolder is pushed away from Timmy's door......

Can You Spot the Fakes?

2006-02-27T09:51:00.000-05:00

Hello Party People,

Ok, so when I need to get out of The Village, I usually take myself to the Cadillac Hotel in Blenheim. It's not a fancy hostelry, like Howard Johnson's or The Silver Motel. You can't get a room there with a plastic ice bucket, smutty movies or a floral bedspread. You can however, buy an El Camino & pharmaceuticals or enjoy live bands that play classics from Bob Seger, Journey and Foreigner. Every band that plays the "Caddy" is a Juke Box Hero to me.

Mostly, I like the Caddy because like "Cheers", it's packed full of colorful regulars. Of course, my mom, Diamond Lil is waaay the most notorious. That's because she can take Miracle Whip, smelt and frozen french fries and whip up a culinary extravaganza that would make even the Iron Chefs commit Hari Kari...and all for $2.70/plate. Also she'll kick your ass in 8-ball before you can say "Who wants another Lucky Lager?" If you go on a Friday night, most of the "regs" are looking for love. Casanovas to look out for include "BigEye/Little Eye", "Cowboy Indian", "Tiny Arms Dancer" "Rinky Dink" and "Princess". They play mind games and buy you shots of Peach Schnappes to get you on the dance floor. Then, they say they were drunk and pretend they don't remember you when you show up the next Friday. Because everybody who hangs in the Caddy is so "Fabulous", it's hard to get noticed. Sometimes the "love starved" go to extremes and flash a little boob and beaver. If you really want to get big upped, stand on a chair when you peel, or you're just one of the crowd.
So, as noted above, the Caddy is my serendipity from life in the Village. You can totally image then, how bananas it was when I was Caddy Mackin' on Friday night and half of Erieau and most of Rondeau stumbled thru the door. Dudes, even one of the village landlords was bustin' moves on the Drrty dancefloor. I was worried at first. Can simple brothers and sisters from a small village and a Provincial Park blend in with hipsters from Blenheim? It all worked out in the Draft, TopCats. Look at the pictures above. Can you tell who's a Caddy reg and who lives bayside? Me neither...... totally a seemless blend.

It's Written In the Stars...March Hot Horoscopes

2006-02-21T09:47:00.000-05:00

Hello Star Children,
Because Erieau is a tiny village far, far away from the bright lights of big cities like Chatham and Swilbury, we are often presented with amazing opportunities to gaze intricately at the heavens. Whenever I'm booted out of the dirty bar and the cops are looking for me, I hide out at the beach.... diggin' the views, as the earth spins through the constellations. Hence, I think I'm pretty hot at the ancient science of astrological divination...you know, horoscopes. Let VooDoo Potato give you the 411 on what's going to happen to you in March, Suckahs:

Aries (03/21 – 04/20):
Best Fishing Lure: Scumfrog Popper
Drink of the Month: Caesar (not on March 15th, the Ides of March)
Lucky Mackin' Day: 03/10 (the 69th day of the Year)
Erieau Starmate: Martini
Mars will be retrograde through Aries in the 2nd half of March.....you know that means it's all bananas. It's the perfect time for you to gamble, rock S&M and generally have a swingin'-ass time. The competitive Ram should be mindful of coercive coworkers around the 2nd.

Taurus (04/21 – 05/21):
Best Fishing Lure: Uncle Buck MiniBait Mini Daddy
Drink of the Month: A Robust Cabernet...that goes well with Bull
Lucky Mackin' Day: 03/18 (Day after St. Paddy's....hangover nooky rocks)
Erieau Starmate: Sailor Girl, Bumper B
March will be a fabulous month for the constant Taurus...lot's of Wildcats, mackin', money and Irish Luck...no really, no bull! March is also a good month to buy shoes and purses for material boys and girls.

Gemini (May 22nd – June 22nd):
Best Fishing Lure: Yum Flavor Enhanced Wolly HawgCraw
Drink of the Month: 2 of anything you want...you're twins
Lucky Mackin' Day: 03/17...get Lucky like the Irish
Erieau Starmate: Margie B, The Rich and Bman
Dudes, Jupiter is descending Gemini mid-March which means this sign will be up to bad things on the 11th. If you steal a beaver or sleep with an in-law, you can totally blame your evil twin though. Don't go near Rondeau Bay March 11th.

Cancer (06/23-07/23):
Best Fishing Lure: Series 2000 Ratt L Trap Crank Bait
Drink of the Month: Vodka Mood Adjustors ....you crab
Lucky Mackin' Day: 03/20...get stupid on the solstice
Erieau Starmate: Pistol
March is all about health. Saturn in retrograde Cancer will put a spring in your step and you'll find yourself enjoying a general well-being you haven't experienced in years...you go crabby. Security-seeking Crabs should be wary of out-of-towners around the 24th.

Leo (07/24 – 08/23):
Best Fishing Lure: Skum ThunderClaw
Drink of the Month: Molson Golden...fo shizzle
Lucky Mackin' Day: 03/09...can u feel the love tonite, Lion King
Erieau Starmate: Sandarelli
The Equinox on Uranus is apt to make celebrations tough at the beginning of the month. Spotlight loving Leos would do well to sing Kareoke or dance with celebrities near month's end.

Virgo (08/24 – 09/23):
Best Fishing Lure: Yo Zuri Crystal Vibe Hardbait
Drink of the Month: Shirley Temple
Lucky Mackin' Day: Virgo doesn't mack, Fool
Erieau Starmate: Reggie the fire dawg
March is not your month, TopCat. Attempts at working and chillin' will end in frustration for the virginal Virgo. Save the residual anger for a chance meeting in the bathroom @ Kathy's with the punk who dumped you in high-school.

Libra: (09/24 – 10/23):
Best Fishing Lure: Extreme Beetle
Drink of the Month: Equal Parts Baileys and Kahlua over ice...to keep the balance
Lucky Mackin' Day: 03/14 Full Moon Fever y'all
Erieau Starmate: Christie Shill, Krazy Legg's Cousin
Dude, totally stay away from Smelt this month. Saturn in retrograde means there's a bone just waiting to get caught in your throat. The Dr. DT Martin will tell you to "Martin up!". It's a good car-buying month though. Look for a Green '72 Pinto for months of cruising happiness.

Scorpio (10/24 – 11/22):
Best Fishing Lure: Cotton Cordell Big O
Drink of the Month: A stinger of course
Lucky Mackin' Day: 03/01: Day after Mardi Gras (hangover Nooky rocks)
Erieau Starmate: Jeff B, Elwood
An impulse purchase from Abdul on the 17th will make you the laughing stock of your family and friends. DO NOT buy anything from under the counter.... Even if it's Jean and Chuck recommended.

Sagittarius (Nov 23 – Dec 21):
Best Fishing Lure: Bomber Mode 8A
Drink of the Month: Strongbow....the Archer
Lucky Mackin' Day: 03/19 Say, "Winter, Screw Off"
Erieau Starmate: Trixxxie
Street brawling is imminent this month and could lead to an exciting career change around the 18th. Stay away from old people, bachelors and Johnson's Motel.

Capricorn (12/22 – 01/20):
Best Fishing Lure: Bagley Honey B Crankbait
Drink of the Month: Strongbow....the Archer
Lucky Mackin' Day: 03/13 First day of Purim...Mazeltov Sweetie
Erieau Starmate: Princess, Jody W
You'll lose serious money this month after playing "Rock, Paper, Scissors" with a person with a prosthetic arm...doh! It's a great month for Nevada ticket winning and chance encounters in the Caddy Bathroom, however.
PS. Your a Goat just like Patches!

Aquarius (01/21 – 02/19):
Best Fishing Lure: Rapala Super Shad Rap
Drink of the Month: Crown and Water
Lucky Mackin' Day: 03/31...save it for the end of the month
Erieau Starmate: Uncle Joe, Potato, Pilbeam
The term "Never kid a Kidder" will have deep, deep significance for you this month as Neptune crosses your segment in an arch of 69.696 degrees. I wish I was an Aquarius.

Pisces (02/20 – 03/20)
Best Fishing Lure: Power Worm
Drink of the Month: anything.....you're a fish
Lucky Mackin' Day: 03/29 ...show 'em a new moon
Erieau Starmate: Jimmmy V, Pizza Slice P
Go Shorty...It's your Birthday. Significant gifts include Lava Lamps, Minnow Buckets & a "Kiss me I'm Irish" button. Don't bet on NASCAR on the 15th.

Mr. Cabdriver, Fek You!

2006-02-20T10:06:00.000-05:00

Hello Snow Bunnies,

It was a seemingly quiet weekend in the village but actually, much was kicking underneath the sleepy surface....still waters run deep, as they say. Let me start off by saying shout out to Rocketman/Operaman Mike M and his magical muskrat hat. I'm glad to hear the bandits from Rondeau who snatched it (and then had the nerve to partake of your hospitality and Budcans), had the sober-conscious to rock it back to ya, Baby. Let the shameless trapping of Muskrat Suzie and Muskrat Sam from McGeechy's Pond not be in vain!

Also, of note for Inquiry Minds: Princess K did not end up under the floorboards of Cabana 69 after her close encounters with the "Kettle of Fish" cyber-date made real. She said he was too tired to get snuffy after partaking of an OJ's smelt platter and a Royal Princess herbal apperitif. Better luck next time P. I hear there's a local call out for a 3-Way posted on the fish site, if your interested in being a Guest Star.

I hate to end on a sad note, but your favorite dirtybar waitress got hit by a taxicab in Kingsville this weekend. No Dispatch job for her now. She and an unknown gentleman with an "I heart NASCAR" tattoo were leaving the Legion Kareoke bash when Patterson's Taxi Car 54 mercilessly mowed her down on Main Street. Word from witnesses and friends is she suffered a concussion, a broken tooth and ripped jeans (could have been from NASCAR boy though) . She is currently convalescing at the Kingsville Animal Clinic and will not be back to work until Wednesday. Her Doctors say no baton twirling for 3 weeks. Feel free to send Best Wishes and Bailey's. Oddly enough, a similar accident happened to Rich in London last year at this time....

I heart NASCAR, too!

Erieau Hot Valentine's 2006!

2006-02-14T09:37:00.000-05:00

Yo! Capulets and Montagues,
Forsooth I say, Happy Valentine's Day Dawg! It's the smoochiest day of the year and we should all celebrate it with the hottest couple in the village. She's the craziest chick in (and sometimes on) the lane and he's a fearless hero. Who cares if theirs' is a September/February type romance? What gives us the right to define love within the constraints of age? "Harold and Maude" was a really good movie! A little rum, a little vino & everyone can get their freak on. Tonight when you're snuggled up with that special someone, think of how Happy Crazy Mary will be when Poncho says to her, "Dap one time for me Baby!".
Who else could I name "Erieau Hot Valentines of 2006!"...Gunner Approved.

XOXOXO69!

Resort Towns in Winter...zzzzzzzzzzzzzz

2006-02-13T15:00:00.000-05:00

Hello Singing Cats,
Look at Patches and Uncle Joe. They're sleeping because February is the most tedious month for Village People. All of the exotic tourists have returned to fabulous Ferndale, the beaches are as icy as a Sandbar Margarita (no salt) and there's nobody on the roads except Elwood and Reggie. Flea's even got his shirt done up. It's all too Don Henley's "Boys of Summer" to bear.
So what can one do to stave off those winter blues until the fun begins again on St. Patrick's Day? Well, February is an excellent time to cultivate a hobby. It was in February of '69 that I began collecting Lighthouses. Now I have over 20,000 different ones including a lighthouse Pez Dispenser, a crocheted lighthouse toilet paper cozy and a lighthouse cookie jar that sounds a foghorn whenever Gunner tries to steal one of my delicious Viva Puffs. If you're looking for something more active and social, I understand they are giving a baton toss workshop @ the dirty bar on Saturday Nights (1:00 am to last call, bring your own helmet and nutcup). When you get good at baton twirling they'll let you throw it in the air and drink a shot of SoCo while you wait for it to come back down. Then you catch it between your legs...fun! Some people get all wrapped up in DIY projects. In the 'hood everyone is pimpin' their golfcart ride. I understand that some dudes are putting mini generator powered fridges on the back of their carts and upholstering the seats with Burberry Nova Check, just like Snoop Dogg's Bentley. Finally, you could go to the lanes and practice for the Tri-Bay Bowl-off coming up March 4rth. If you spread your wings, the time will fly by until the green beer is flowing and Murray Snelgrove.....Andrew....Buffett....whatever.....is rocking the village with traditional Irish hits like, "I'm my Own Grandpa" and "Rich, Dumb, Young Nymphomaniac

Erieau Hot Couple of the Week 02/10/06

2006-02-10T11:34:00.000-05:00

No updates on Rusty...and now Spitooey seems to be missing too! Rusty the Beaver, The Talking Gnome and now Spitooey....all gone. Perhaps they have been sent to the "Island for Misfit Toys" or Shrewsbury....which are really one and the same place anyway.

Here's a shot of Rusty and Jackie in happier times. Perhaps they'll put in on the backs of milk cartons or cases of Lucky Lager. Because the Rusty beaver is still missing, I name it and Jackie Hot Couple of the Week.

Rusty's jacket is too "Almost Famous" to believe.

Rusty Come Home!

2006-02-08T10:30:00.000-05:00

Hello Nature Lovers,
This posting is a latent plea from Jackie, who has been missing her Rusty Beaver for a little over a year, to ask for your help in returning him safely to his birch branch at the dirty bar. If you didn't know Rusty here's the 411. Not surprisingly, Jackie and Rusty first hooked one Sunday afternoon at the Caddy. Jackie used the Jaws of Life to snatch Rusty from a sad plight in the Caddy "Hunger House". The 2 became inseparable, going on booze cruises together to Hamilton and even Chicago. There, Rusty became the toast of Mean Blues Ladies, Homeless Folk, Piano Men, Indianans and Gorillas. Rusty was a simple beaver and, just like us, was most happy just sitting in the bar, getting cross eyed.

The night Jackie first noticed Rusty was missing, there weren't many people around: The Rich, Jackie, Burner, Bumper B, Pistol, Martini, Sandarelli and Jimmy V. Earlier, The Rich was skulking around the back of the bar (near Rusty's birch perch) feigning an interest in Celebrity Texas Hold 'um. Everyone else was working or drinkin'. It was 2 days later when the first ransom note was found by Bumper B taped on the outside of the Emmett Kelly Room window. It showed Rusty wrapped in Duct Tape, had bad grammar and spelling and made ludicrous demands like all ransom notes. The "Beaver Thief" asked for better snow removal in the parking lots, extra cheese on his Godfather pizza and $50 in small bills and a ride to the Dresden Slots. When his demands were not met, another more threatening and evil note was found in the same spot (both around 9 pm) by Deb V. Then....nada for over a year.

So who stole the beaver? Nobody knows for sure but Jackie lists the prime suspects as:

The Rich: Attempted kidnapping of Spitooey, strange behaviour the night Rusty got disco'd
Jimmy V: Kidnapped Burp and Slurp, could be in cahoots with The Rich
Bumper B: Attempted kidnapping of Spitooey,
Martini and Sandarelli: Payback...and who would suspect
Burner and Frenchy: Why not?
Linds: Just like a Garden Gnome
Princess and StephJ: coz they stole the Sleeman's Basket

If you have Rusty or know who took him, please aid in his return to the bar. Jackie has Nail Beaver, Beany Beaver and Cross-Eyed Beaver now but really wants Rusty back...coz there's no beaver like your first beaver.

Erieau Hot 3Way of the Week 02/03/06

2006-02-03T08:02:00.000-05:00

Hello Young Lovers,

I've never been married, but I have had my pet goat, Patches for the last 7 years and I'm starting to get bored of watching him eat Bud cans and cigarette butts. So I imagine being saddled with the same spouse for more than 2 decades can become pretty tired. My ma, Lil says there are 3 paths to continuous matrimonial "Bliss":
Marry an old dude (her personal favorite) who won't be around forever
Drink lots of liquor (like Shrewsbury newlyweds)
Get freaky in the sack

Let's look at our local Innkeepers. They've been married for nearly 30 years and are still as happy as Jackie at a brewery. What's the secret to their success? Well they're both the same age so it's not number 1. They actually drink pretty temperately on the old village alchy-meter, so #2 is also out. It's gotta be number 3. But the Kama Sutra says there are only 269 positions that 2 people can rock, so then what? Well when TV shows that have run for a long time are about to "jump the shark", they add a special guest star and then they get good again. Think of Heather Locklear joining "Melrose Place" or Frasier being added to Cheers. They made the shows worth watching again. So I guess if you need to spice up the marriage, call in the guy from across the street. The Blissies and Poncho rock the Mexican Hot-tub! Hence I name them Erieau Hot 3-Way of the Week! In the words of Andre 3000, "Lend me some sugar, I useta be yo neighbour"!

Erieau Superbowl Fever...Catch It!

2006-02-02T11:26:00.000-05:00

Hello Gridiron Groupies,
Sorry for the delay in postings but I have just returned from rocking the Boatshow circuit with Fireman Poncho. It was all down except for Chicago coz Poncho and I got disco'd for our last pack of Peter Jacksons and a mickey of Bacardi Twist by some homeless dudes...right outside of the tenement where that 30 minute portrait of 1970s thug life, "Good Times" was set...It was not even a little "Dy-no-mite". I'm glad to be back in a kinder, gentler Ghetto.

I'm totally stoked for Superbowl XL coming at ya live from Detroit. The game and the commercials will be cool enough but the whole village is on pins and needles to see if Robby D will take the whole pot in pool 2 or if Larry T takes half like a Californian Divorcee. 191 vs. 190... The pick pressure is omnipotent! I personally am only into Superbowl for the cheap Wildcats and Oysters and also the halftime show. The one at Ford Field will probably be ok...you know, if you dig the Motown Sound or the Rolling Jurassic bloody Stones. Even better though is the live halftime show at the dirty bar. Last years' halftime extravaganza featured Vidler Wrestling. Carol beat the hell out of Potato in the first round but the real grudge match was the final where Bouncer J took on Sandarelli. She kicked his ass. Check the picture above where Sandarelli demonstrates the naked death leg choke hold that won the bout. ...talk about red in the face and that dude's a bouncer! As you can see, he looked totally beat after the match, poor bugger. I'm not sure what's planned this year...I heard "Up with People" aren't busy. They could totally smoke the boulevard. Okay, I don't really condone gambling, but here's my ultimate pick:
Seattle and 48 pts......suckahs

Erieau Hot Couple of the Week 01/24/06

2006-01-26T11:15:00.000-05:00

Hello History Channel Watchers!

I'm sad to report to those who didn't know, the only way Ken Bell's going to Ottawa is on an eco-tour. We were pretty bummed but we did celebrate an increase in percentage of Green Party ballots with a bottle of Cuervo Gold and a big cannon in the Mexican Hot tub after the votes had been counted.

Ok, let me just say "you go Smarty!" to the anonymous blog fan who sent in the waay "condensed-milk" version of the village history! Perhaps they can sign in and let us all know the real reason why the train doesn't come to Erieau anymore or about village life back in the 1970s or why every kid who grew up in Erieau has been shot by a pellet gun at least once. BTW, Gunner says the word around Kathy's is that our village anthem may soon be recorded and burnt onto cd. Apparently Jerry, the composer (music and lyrics) is in contract negotiations with Bob Seger who also wants to record it in a medley/round with "Fire Lake" and "Turn the Page". The Rondeau Fishing Tackle Choir is going to be the backing vocals instead of the Silver Bullet Band....hot! Erieau's own Tuna-Flavoured Mermaids are recording a Weird-Al-typed satirical knock-off called That's Why the Ganja Bus Doesn't Come to Erieau Anymore. It'll only be released in Trinidad though.

So we've made this week's Erieau Hot Couple of the Week into a contest. Go to the Dirty Bar and identify to your waitress, these 2 dancing queens who were caught getting their freaky freak-on at the Caddy last weekend and a free smelt platter is yours...complements of Potato (employees and their families are not eligible). Here's a hint. The happy couple is into Korean cars, Canadian Idol, self hypnosis and donkey punches. They're Village Royalty man! She's not even mad that he macked her mother a few times first. Good Luck and if you win ask for extra tartar sauce.

Later Freaks....coz those who don't learn from their history are bound to repeat it.

Rock the Vote...Turkeys.

2006-01-23T09:42:00.000-05:00

Hello Warriors of Democracy!
It's time once again to head down to the Firehall and cast a ballot. Come and say "Hi" to me. I'll be upstairs in the library, playing online strip poker on the mighty Vic20s. I hope they turned up the heat, I'm not much of a card-shark. We all want Ken Bell, the "home-town hero" to be livin' large in Ottawa but don't try anything funny to rock the vote. Margie B. is the Deputy Returning Officer and Robbie D. is her little Ballot Boy. They'll totally kick your ass if you try and mess with the workings of our electoral process. DO NOT STUFF THE VOTE BOX even if Ken Bell has Spitooey put a voodoo hex on you. You totally should vote for Ken though. If you are undecided, here's the address of his official Blog:

http://greenpartyken.blogspot.com/2005/12/typical-sunday.html

If he wins, he's having a big, organic champagne and muesli celebration at his party head- quarters, the laundromat in Pardoville.

So I went to the crazy Month-End Meat Draw Extravaganza (Blenheim Legion, Br. 28), along with the rest of the village. VIllagers did not have much luck at all. All I wanted to win was the jumbo bag o' smelt or the $100 tanning certificate (George Hamilton rocks!), but I got SFA. Pilbeam was the luckiest village-type mo'fo' in attendance. She loaded the bitchin' Safari with a prime grade-A turkey cooker to take back to Kingsville. She's invited everyone down to Buck and Cookie's back yard for an elegant al fresco smelt fry when the May spawning season starts. Then we can go to the Fog Cutter for apperitifs....fancy!
Finally, the word is the Big Bowl off is March 4th. Stu's ready for us. The team from the 'hood is already selected and they think that they can beat the Ghetto bowlers, but we got bigger balls in Erieau.......

Erieau Hot Couple of the Week 01/17

2006-01-18T09:19:00.000-05:00

Hello Gnome Liberators,
The Caboose is secure. It's amazing what fly strips and sheet metal can do to block a doorway! So dudes, I have dash out a quick post today because Richie and I are going shopping for new bowling shoes as Erieau Bowling Night is quickly approaching. Richie likes bowling shoes because they have the size on the back. He always wears 3 sizes bigger to impress the ladies. You know what they say about the brothers with the big feet..... I'm totally looking forward to rock n' bowl n' throw a salt shaker through the window night...almost as much as Stew, I bet. This year we want to have a bowl off: Ghetto vs. 'hood vs. Trailer Park.....try and out roll us Jim & Shannon and BKF! Poncho Man plays and he once won $23.69 on Bowling for Dollars. He's our favorite local Pro Athlete.

So because it's their anniversary, Potato and Sandra are Hot Couple of the week! They took off to La Belle Provence with the Leprechaun Bouncer dude and company. Everyone's bummed because last year they had a hot party where people lost their jewellry and Trixxxie and Bman both got orange woodys @ 7am and Jimmy V got stuck in a bush (not in a good way). Observe the picture of the happy couple taken on their 21rst anniversary. You can't tell from this picture, but Sandra's usually a snappy dresser ...Looks like she needs to layoff on the Blue eye shadow though. It's too Studio 54 for words! Looks like it rubbed off all over Potato's face.....must have been while they were skipping. Anyway because they have been together for the long haul, have raised 2 kids and a kitty, look after a thriving business and still get naked and drink gigantic beers, I name them Erieau Hot couple of the week! You go Potato and Sandarelli.

Ok the hoppin' Hyundai just pulled up in front of the library...gottta jet....see you @ the lanes.

The Lester is definately on

2006-01-17T12:18:00.000-05:00

Hello Donna Martins,
I'm once again behind on my posting what with yesterday being MLK Day. This will have to be a quick posting too becoz the wind is going to blow the door off my Caboose by the Bay. You try and find a replacement door for '58 Chessie CAT!
Here's my concern of the day though, with Lester's coming back to the bay-side boite market, the dirty bar may have to change themes. Here's some signs it might be getting a little too disco:
Top 10 Signs that the Dirty Bar is turning into a Gay Bar:

10. House Drink: Sleemans, for when you just don't like Busch
9. "Office" sign replaced with "Enter through the Back Door"
8. Spitooey dressed in sequined gown every New Year's Eve
7. Jackie's beaver collection replaced with Potato's "Naughty Buoy" collection
6. All Music stations locked out but the Show Tunes Cabaret
5. Crack action in the Men's room not the same as at the Caddy
4. J-Vid switches from slippers to heels
3. It's filled up with trannies and it's not Hallowe'en
2. "Ribs and Mussels" Thursday becomes "Abs and Muscles" Thursday
1. Always on Special: Buy a beer in a bottle, then get it in the can....

Thanks to everyone who dialled in with the Lester's tips. If you've got a time schedule from the proud new owners for openings and spring soirees...send it along.

Ok gotta jet...Fat Jimmyz Kareoke Fridays......coz how many Seger songs can you listen to from the Flea Market.

It's the Wolf Moon...Jack.

2006-01-13T10:21:00.000-05:00

Hello Tristadecophobics,

Happy Friday the 13th! It's also a full moon which means that the Werekitties will totally be ripping up the village tonite. It reminds me of Warren Zevon's horrific smash hit, Werewolves of Erieau. I believe it went something like "I saw a werewolf drinking a Lucky lager @ OJs by the bay, and his hair was perfect". It's a waaay rare thing to have Friday the 13th and a full moon fall at the same time. Above is a picture of me and Uncle Krazy the last time it happened. You can tell it was a long time ago because the beer bottle's a stubby and I look waaay younger. Uncle Krazy still looks the same! That's because he uses Creme de la Mer which J.Lo sends him monthly. Good skin is in!

Some people get totally snakey on full moons.Different theories purport that this is because the proximatey of the moon to earth causes a greater gravitational pull on the water in our bodies...much like the moon controls the tides. Because human body masses vary from 79 to 81 per cent H2O, the auxillairy force of the moon in full has different effects on different people. I think people who drink more, have a higher water to tissue ratio, so they get a bigger lunar gobsmack. That's why Erieau is the nuttiest place in the world to be on a full moon. At this year's Harvest moon, everybody in the dirty bar threw their shoes on the roof. It looked like the sale rack at Payless. It's also a well-known fact that it's on full moon nights that Stealing Machine, Rich and Linds do their most prolific garden ornament stealing. They place the gnomes in a Wiccan magik circle in Rich's backyard and chant and cast spells for cheap liquor and unusual porn. Then they jump on the trampoline naked.

Also it's a widely held belief that Spitooey puts VooDoo hexes on anyone in the dirty bar after 11 pm on Friday the 13th. Rusty the Beaver was kidnapped from the bar on a Friday the 13th about a year ago. Perhaps then, this is the day that Jackie gets her beaver back...coz anything can happen on a full moon.

I gotta jet....My mom, Lil, is buying me a Caddy beef dinner for lunch and then BeepBeepHonk and I are going to Rock the Legion Holey Board Tournament...it's all in the wrist, suckahs!

Erieau Hot Couple of the Week 01/11/06

2006-01-11T09:26:00.000-05:00

Hello KMart Shoppers,
It appears that last weekend, while I was diggin' the RVs in Michigan, Paris Hilton and her posse were rockin the 'eau. And who did she come to see? Uncle Joe of course. Apparently they hooked in Jamaica and have been mackin' ever since. Paris was at Uncle Krazy's the other day and I asked her why she would leave yet another Greek shipping tycoon for a life in Jackie's basement. She says Joe's hot because he rides a Honda, has a pseudo-Scottish accent and can almost drink as many "tall dark doubles" as her! Paris wants to get engaged right away. Uncle Joe said "Give yer head a shake, girl or I'll dice you up like a little piece of celery". But I still think this is true love. Thus I name them Erieau hot couple of the week! It's so Johnny Cash's "If I were a Carpenter and you were a Lady", I can't stand it! If the Dauphin van's a rockin.......

Ok I gotta dash, I promised I'd take her to the Caddy on a perc run.....
Later Beyotch. (I learned that from Paris).

Whatever Happened to Lester?

2006-01-10T09:57:00.000-05:00

Hello PMS Sufferers,
I hope everyone had a fabulous weekend. I went to Michigan for a big RV Show and Monster Truck Rally at the Silver Dome. It Rocked! However, I came home to find someone has stolen the Talking Gnome from my front porch....damn BMX Mafia! Gunner says that Chrystal told him there was some kind of progressive cocktail party based on Jules Verne's fledgling tome "Around the World in 80 Days". Word is "snaps" should be given as follows: Best Decorations: Mexico, Best Music: Thailand, Best Geography Report: Belgium, Best Food & Liquor: Moldova (where is that?), Best Place Where Everyone Could Smoke Indoors: Canada (Ironic isn't it?) and Best Live Theatre: Jamaica! Apparently Crazy Mary hit the Moldovan buffet like an SS IcBM. ...and I thought the cold War was over!

So I ran into the some people from the TrailerPark (pictured above) at the RV show, no surprise. We went and had some SilverDome Monster Beers together, which reminded me of the many cocktails we all had at the now defunct (not P.Funk'd) Rondeau joint, "Lester's On the Bay". Lester's was kind of a nutty place because the owners liked to fire it up equally as hard as the trailer folk. One night, Poncho and Dan B ferried us over from the Ghetto to Lester's, and the owner, MK, road a horse through the middle of the bar. It wasn't godiva style, but nonetheless! Another night the same lady fell into Rondeau Bay wearing her nightgown after a hefty jibber, Sleeman and Grand Marnier combo platter. One time, I was there and the bartender got tired or wanted to go score a happy bag or her Paxil had kicked in, so she left us the keys to the bar and told us to write our drinks on our tabs and lock up before we left. That's a once in a lifetime opportunity for someone like me and the kind of programme I think they should implement right here in the Ghetto!
Lester's was always at its most fun about a half an hour after "Official" Last Call. This is when the Rondeau Fishing Tackle Choir would fire up their renditions of classics such as "Whip it out at the Ball Game", "Jesus puts his Money in the Bank of Montreal" and "the Guinness Song". Where were you then, Margie Bliss? It was the kind of place where Morpethians and Trailer folk could hang without issue. Although one time a dude from Rondeau asked my friend from Morpeth if she was simian. She had to explain to him that she was indeed from Morpeth. In fact, Morpethians felt so comfortable there, one time Mennonite Bob did a crazy strip tease whilst "You can Leave Your Hat On" played in the background. Too bad Lester's had to close up because the floor caved in one labour day when everyone was rockin' out to "Tokyo" or "Margarittaville" or "Werewolves". I haven't heard Ronnie Fray sing "Poor Boy" since. Some of the trailer folk in our football pool say there is interest in buying the Lester's shack and making non-bootleg liquor available in Rondeau again. If you got the buzz on this, drop us an anonymous line.

Ok I gotta jet. John Cat and I are going to take my goat, Patches, to the vets. He hasn't walked properly since that Masonic Ceremony!

"Dap" like you mean it!

2006-01-06T10:22:00.000-05:00

Hello World Travellers!
John Cat and I just made our weekly trip to the Blenheim Tim Hos. We get a dozen Cruellers and a couple medium triple/triples. Then we go to the liquor store and get a mickey of Prince Igor Vodka to dump in them.....it's a cardiac-attack waiting to happen. We saw Ken Bell outside Timmy's kissing babies and standing on a soapbox...I believe it was a laundry soap box, actually. He has a really good platform that will assure that laundromats in Kent County will be something we can call our own. I never wash my clothes, but I've slept in the Blenheim Fluff n' Fold. One night this guys started crying in the Caddy because people were laughing at him and then he picked up Uncle Joe Robinson and threw him at my mom, Diamond Lil. The Percs I had taken earlier had just kicked in and Trish called the cops, so I needed a warm place to crash. When the cops kicked me out in the morning I smelled like a big Bounce drier sheet. That's why I'm voting for Ken Bell...and you should too! Plus, he's a village person, and that's alright with me.

This weekend, I was supposed to go to the Caddy with my Homey, Ping, but he smucked his truck and now I'm going to be stuck in the Village. I might go to the Dirty Bar and hang with Crazy Mary and Jack Lord and Pistol. They're fun because Crazy Mary will start to talk in tongues after 10 glasses of red wine and Pistol will have to translate for me. Only Jackie and Chrystal really know what "Dap!" means. When Crazy Mary has 11 glasses of wine, she gets an apparently euphoiric type of vertigo. Then the leprechaun bouncer dude has to carry her home (as shown above). Often she leaves her purse behind a chair or on the roof of her car. I like to follow closely behind her so that I can pay my rent, subscribe to Ass Porn sites and buy Wildcats with the ducets found in her forgotten wallet.

If those guys are not chillin', Gunner will be out dancing with a group of chicks and he may let me hang with him. He's totally cutting the rug in the picture above. Those chicks look like they are good drinkers but not so much on the dancefloor. Why are there cans of Strongbow in all these pictures? It must be big with the kids in the Village. I tried it one time and didn't think much of it, but you know, to each their own.

Ok I gotta dash. JohnCat and Elwood and some shriners and I are going to shop for a new bike for Elwood and then they are going to put us through an honorary Masonic initiation Ceremony. Somebody said that we had to ride a goat naked across the masonic hall basement. What's so secret about that? We do it at our family reunion every July.

Teach Your Children Well!

2006-01-04T10:05:00.000-05:00

Hello Hump-dayers,
'sup? As I was waiting for the Mighty Vic 20s to boot up, John the Buddhist librarian and I began discussing the relative merits of nurture vs. nature in the cultivation of personality within the individual. Are we merely the fortunate/unfortunate victims of a fateful environment or does coding on our 23 (or 24) chromosomes dictate that we will be fish-breaders/proctologists/Walmart Greeters/Actuaries before we even leave the womb? And what of sociability? Is our inhibition, ennui, jubilance or extroversion determined the same way?

John takes the nature side. To him, our genes are all it takes to pull us from the mire of a life in a Trailer Park (he cites Kid Rock and Rondeau Bman) or conversely, to pull us down in enriched circumstances (for example, the "n'er-do-wells" Paris Hilton and Jimmy Vidler).

I'm takin' the nurture side. Admittedly, we have to work with what God gave us. Elwood will never teach at Harvard. Flea ain't gonna shower, even periodically. However, a supportive family and propitious socio-economic circumstances will allow us to be more than we ever thought possible. Alternately, unfavorable environments rob us of our potential. We see this in The Village all the time. For example, check Richie's baby picture above vs. the present day shot. If Momma Connie hadn't used the Sandbar as a daycare for him...life would be oh so different (and there'd be more Wodka for the rest of us)!

Ok gotta dash...today JohnCat and I are going to go to Bingo with Stevie Devie...coz I love the smell of dobbers and Peter Jackson's in the morning!

Erieau Hot COuple of the Week 01/03

2006-01-03T08:54:00.000-05:00

Because they both "went home with the one they came in with", Jackie and Beer are the Erieau Hot Couple of the Week! Love will keep them together!

2006-01-03T08:44:00.000-05:00

Go FInd Rico and Sauve Ladies!

Boxing Day....Leave Your Keys in the Bowl 7

2006-01-03T08:41:00.000-05:00

Tommy got his Potatoes workin...with Sandra @ Brenda's house and with Brenda @ Sandra's house...they are the Erieau Hot 3 Way of the Week...in absentia!

Boxing Day ...Leave Your Keys in the Bowl 6

2006-01-03T08:37:00.000-05:00

Rico and Sauve did not pick up......go figure?

Boxing Day...Leave Your Keys in the Bowl 5

2006-01-03T08:35:00.000-05:00

COuch and Daddy...cute couple but they gave me the bird...not hot couple of the week either

Boxing Day...Leave Your Keys in the Bowl 4

2006-01-03T08:31:00.000-05:00

Mean Bouncer Dude Robby D. won't even look as his wife gets friendly with the Wheeler. This would totally upset their wiener dawgs...no the couple of the week!

Boxing Day...Leav Your Keys in the Bowl 3

2006-01-03T08:28:00.000-05:00

The Rich and Brandy....didn't we all see it coming? I think this could have been longterm but she's off to the Orient and he's back at the call center...not the Hot Couple of the Week.....

Boxing Day...Leave Your Keys in the Bowl 2

2006-01-03T08:22:00.000-05:00

My Cousin/Brother, Gunner, couldn't make it last with the Princess. Looks like he dumped on her Birthday and moved onto the Lady with the funky Van and a million dogs. She doesn't look too ready to get shot by "The Big Gun", so they are not the Ereiau Hot couple of the week......

Boxing Day...Leave Your Keys in the Bowl!

2006-01-03T08:08:00.000-05:00

Hello New Years Babies,
I'm a little behind on my postings, I know, but Boxing Day was Krazy! Robby D, the Mean Bouncer says some people stood in line all night and never got into the dirty bar. I was kind of mad at first because celebrities were cutting the line and then being seated in the VIP area. Puff Daddy (we still call him that in the Ghetto) was there, but he doesn't talk to me since Uncle Krazy Leggs left with J.Lo on Boxing Day '01. So I hung with Macauley Culkin (photo right), who bought me sooo much Hypnotique and Wildcat, I forgot where the Library was until this morning!

As I recall, it was a good joint. They had hot Cater Waiters strolling around the VIP section with mini smelt tacos and Pickeral Cheek Bellinis...delish! Everybody must have got tired of their shorties over Christmas becoz they seemed to mackin' elsewhere.....observe:

Triptophan & Lucky Lager...An Unbeatable Combination!

2005-12-25T21:07:00.000-05:00

Hello JingleBalls!

Sorry I haven't posted in the last couple of days but things didn't go well when I went to do my Christmas shoplifting. Who knew the mean gals in Dollarama could run so fast? Thanks to cousin Gunner for raising bale @ Christmas time! My own gifting didn't go as planned but I scored big under the tree. I got $20 OJ bucks from "The Vidler family (excluding the leprechaun bouncer dude)", a 3 pack of Bic lighters from Gunner (black, red and purple...that's hot), and a halfpack of Number 7s and a Salinger-signed copy of "Catcher in the Rye" from Uncle Krazy. Score! I'm taking the OJ bucks to the Big Sandbar Boxing Day bash tomorrow. I'm going to drink gimlets with Todd Parker and Jill and then we'll head to the bar. It's Korey and Jill's Birthday, plus Crazy Mary hasn't got her buzz on since she was seen stumbling around in her red pleather pants.
Word on the street is that a former kitchen kitty named Ian started the "get drunk in Erieau on Boxing Day" tradition many years ago in effort to provide relief from family time and for locals to get wasted after the dry-out on Christmas Day. Over the years, word of awesome depravity, cheap Hypnotique and flat beer spread to the masses in the 'Hood and the TrailerPark and even as far as Blenheim, so the bar fills up with college kids pretty quickly. Now it's like a scene from the OC, only with Krazy Leggs, Frenchy and Chicken as Extras. I'm gonna go late because I know secrets about the Robby D, the Bouncer and Korey and Gunner will save me a seat.

Ok I gotta dash.....Uncle Krazy just got done nuking his Swanson Turkey and Stuffing and I want to beat Gunner to the 'wave....I wish they made smelt TV dinners.

Stay dialled for dirty Boxing Day pics.

Erieau Hot Couple of the Week

2005-12-20T09:41:00.000-05:00

Ok, so I was walking to the library this morning and Uncle Krazy Legg's house looks like Rondeau Park. By that I mean that the 2 "deers of light" on his front lawn had been placed in a very compromising position. It's like an Rudolph Red Light District (much like the Trailer Park was throughout the early '90s until the "stewards of nature" came in and took bambi out with their .22s). I'm not sure if Uncle Krazy got feeling creative after some Lucky Lager fortification or if the dreaded BMX mafia did it.

The BMX mafia is that swarm of 15 year old kids you see smoking in the gazebo and riding their bikes down Mariner's Road with cardboard boxes on their heads. Half of them are named Joe and Kyle and the other half are employed at the restaurant as kitchen kitties that do dishes, make salads and steal beer from the back cooler. Mostly they're into beating their meat, drinking lemon gin at the gravel docks and trying to Catwalk in the snow on their BMXs. They are all dying their hair gothy-black so whenever I see them at Abdul's, I always say, "Look it's Robert Smith and the Cure". They stare at me blankly because they don't undestand cultural references from before 1990. They don't teach kids anything in school anymore!

Here's the big Buzz though......observe the picture above of Gunner (doesn't he look like his dad?) and the bartender he macked per yesterday's post. BTW Cheers to the anonymous blog-fan who sent the evidence. Anyway, I'm shocked that the Princess actually hooked the Big Gun! She's been chasing him since they were in school together, but he keeps turning her down. Although he believes she's a hot toddy, Gunner doesn't think that Princess possesses a wellrounded ethos for the world and humankind. How can a Philanthrope and a Princess get their freak on? Also, Gunner dresses snappier than Princess. What would she bring to the relationship? I think they might make a go of it.....like "class divided, love united" Kate and Leo in James Cameron's historic Blockbuster, "Titanic". Hence, I name them Erieau Hot Couple of the Week!

Alright, I must Jet. JohnCat is driving me in to the BargainShop! to do my Christmas shopping.....flannel shirt and Peter Jacksons for everyone!

VOlunteer...it's good for your Soul/Sole!

2005-12-19T11:09:00.000-05:00

Hello Minnow Gypsies,
Some weekends are undeniable! On Friday, I made $28.50 shovelling driveways which I in turn parlayed into 2 cases of Wildcat (Nevada ticket winnings) , 3 hefty roaches (Butch and Margaret are in town) and a half side of Beef (Blenheim Legion Holiday Meat Draw Bonanza.....Richie, Lindsay and Jean the Stealing Machine got the Jack...haha). On Friday night, Frenchie, Gunner and I shared some white rum with Bud Light, who's an old, old guy who calls all the ladies, "mum". This explains why the seal on his viagra bottle continues to remain tamper-free. On Saturday, Gunner went to a party at his American neighbour's (who is Bob Seger's cousin BTW) and got his mack on with one of the waitresses from the bar. He's playing the whole thing on the d/l. If you know which gal, give me the buzz to share with "enquiring minds".

Anyway, because this is the "season of giving" and being kind to your fellow man, I thought I should give some public recognition to Erieau's largest collective group of volunteers (now that they no longer pay for blood donation), the EFD. Our Fire department is better than any other fire department in Chatham-Kent because we also have an ice & water rescue unit. This means we get a pimped out fire-boat as well as the requisite firetrucks. The EFD doesn't have a dalmation, though. Sometimes Reggie, a dog the same age as Bud Light, will pee on the corner of the firehall, but that's not the really the same as having a mascot. Generally our firemen are very good about protecting lives and property. In slow months, they get bored and try to make work by lighting drunk people on fire with their cigarettes. The Fire Chief demonstrates in the photo above. I don't volunteer because firefighting involves long physically exhausting, emotionally draining work that is hard on your feet. The VillagePeople appreciate the sacrifices of our fearless volunteers. As you can see in the top photo, the Assistant Fire Chief is getting his sore tootsies tended to by the leprechaun Bar Bouncer. It's too Brokeback Mountain for words. The EFD is always doing nice things in the village like sending kids to college (my niece/sister is giving a perm @ Marvel as I type .....thanks boys), decorating Christmas Trees and lighting off fireworks, so they need donations. You could go to the Big Beefy BBQ in July (Hoodlums love it), get your car washed or buy a Rescue Ranger t-shirt butI think they should do a "fireman" calendar. ...coz firemen have big hoses and the ladies would snap them up like crazy. The moral of this post is drop these guys some coins because you never know when that meth-lab in your basement will flame up and you'll have to call them out.

So Dudes, I gotta dash. Monday is the day that Elwood and I make sure all the beer cans he collected are truly empty (mmm free beer), so no more cigarette butts in the bottoms alright?

If I had a job...It'd be a Snow Day!

2005-12-15T09:37:00.000-05:00

Hello SnowBlowers,
This has gotta be a quick post because JohnCat and I are going to take our skidoos into Blenheim to pick up a case of Lucky, some Hotrods and some Preparation H for Uncle Krazy Leggs and his posse.
First let me congratulate our friends in the Trailer Park on sucessfully surviving another community Christmas bash. I saw a white car with "RONDEAU" vanity plates driving around the village with a busted taillight and crunchy fender, but I haven't heard of any other casualities. I wasn't invited, but I did get a hold of this invitation..I wish I knew they were doing laundry. I totally would have crashed, even though the Wildgame Buffett doesn't interest me...no smelts, no deal. Pilo used to invite everyone from the Ghetto to the Trailerpark for a Christmas fete; until the year his wife found MaryKay from Lester's and Uncle Krazy mackin' in the garage...that ended it.

Second Up, the Football Pool rivalry is as hot as a bong on a fish-tug. Robby D is breathing right down Turner Burner's neck (I bet he wishes it was Jackie). They are like Sylvester Stallone and Dolf Lundgren in the feel-good movie of 1985 "Rocky IV", the best sequel, sequel sequel ever. It's 154-153!
I'm not evangelical or anything, but I think Erieau has witnessed the first sign of the apocalypse....Deb R. got 12 games last week. If she ever wins money, I'm grabbing a keg of Wildcat and a .22 an holing up in St. Ann's on the Lake to wait for my maker. I predict Turnerburner will only get 12 games right this week and Robby D will tie it up @ 166. Taking on odds on people taking odds... that's derivatively existential I must say!

Finally, Gunner tells me Handsome Richie is thinking of having a NYE bash. It's Casa Richie or the Flea Motel, so be sure to encourage the Rich!

Stay dialled in Freaks...vote for Ken Bell!

Erieau Chamber of Commerce #1

2005-12-14T10:01:00.000-05:00

'sup? Village People, Trailer Trash and Hoodlums.....

So John, the librarian just came over and said that he's glad I'm using the Vic 20s in the Erieau Public Library to introduce the world to life on the edges of Rondeau Bay instead to surf Ass Porn. He's so glad in fact, that he's going to write a letter to my Parole Officer. I don't know if a bon mot from a Former dj-pseudo-buddhist monk- volunteer librarian will be enough to turn over my suspended sentence but what the heck?

Anyway, you may not believe this but there are some full-on entrepreneurs in our village of 500. On the outskirts of town are the "Bayview Bliss Cabins" . The lady in the center of the picture and the guy behind her are the Blisses who own the cabins. The guy dressed like a leprechaun is a bouncer at the local bar and he once kicked my Uncle Krazy Leggs out of the bar for bringing in a service animal, Kujo, his "Seeing Double" Eyedog. I don't know who the blonde chick is but she sure likes the vodkas!
Anyway, Margie and Jeff are the Erieau equivalent to the Innkeepers portrayed by Mr. Dick Newhart and Ms. Mary Francis on the novelly titled situation comedy "Newhart". Except the Bliss joint is more like a series of antibellum plantation cabins than a rustic Vermont Inn. It rocks nonetheless becoz the pop machine is stocked with $2.00 beers (Coors Lite, not Wildcat) and Margie will serenade you with a voice like the nuns from the Ursuline College in Nearby Chatham. The Blisses haven't owned the cabins very long and were sooo poor when they got started, we saw them scoop a smushed skunk from the road in front of the Cabins and then cook it like a beerbutt chicken. Things are going better for the Blisses now, thankfully. They are building a new house with blue drainage tiles for a roof, plus I got a family Christmas photo from them and everyone was wearing Carhartts...fancy!
Stay dialled in for the 411 on local businessmen like, Flea from the Flea Motel, Barney proprieter of the Saltwaterpool and Marina and everybody's favorite...the Dreaded Minnow Gypsies!

PS... Congratulations to Lee Ann Denike from the Trailer Park. She won a big bucket of Sleeman's Beer from the bar. TurnerBurner says the beer's skunky but the bucket will be good for ice-fishing minnows. I bet Lee Ann is glad whoever stole the beer basket brought it back!

The Erieau Shipping News' Maiden Voyage

2005-12-13T12:06:00.000-05:00

Hello Village People,
The Erieau Library just opened so I can post the First Edition of the "Shipping News". No job...No computer! I'm at the mercy of th local librarian. He's not even a sexy librarian like the one in the benchmark Van Halen video "Hot for Teacher". Krazy Leggs and Gunner (my cousin/brother) and I were just about to go grab a case of Wildcats (best Canadian beer hands down...and cheap too!) and hang at the Caddy with my mom, Diamond Lil, when I remembered I had to give the 411 to the party bloggers.

If you're not from Erieau...you have no idea! It's a peninsula that juts out into Lake Erie about 75 km east of Point Pelee. It's waay tropicale for Canada! About 500 people live in Erieau but a lot of Americans chill here in cottages in the summer time. What can I say, we got more bounce than Michiganders. In fact, Bob Seger's seminal hit, "Firelake" was actually written about Erieau. Check our sunsets...aren't they hot? Most of the people who live in Erieau work on fishing boats, bringing those tasty yellow perch to your dinner plates. Alot of people also work @ Molly and OJ's restaurant. They serve perch and 'The Big Beaver Platter for 2", which is a Canadian delicacy if you haven't tried it. It taste kinda like chicken. My favorite is the smelts. They're delicious even though their Omega 3 count is low. Some of us are all about the "Life of Leisure". Don't tell my Ontario Works Officer though.

Across Rondeau Bay is Rondeau Park. We call it "The Trailer Park" because everybody there leases their house from the government...kinda like Eminem's mom in his biopic "8 Mile". If you head west across the bay, you'll land in Shrewsbury. We call it "The 'Hood". I don't really know why but everybody there has a pimped out golf cart that they load up with delicious Wildcats and then go to the neighbours house for a crazy big barbeque. If you drive through Shrewsbury and the hoodlums don't know you and your golfcart isn't fly enough, they'll pull a .22 on you. I know coz they scared my uncle Krazy. BTW, Isn't uncle Krazy hot?

ANyway, this Blog will bring you the latest buzz on all the latest village info...like we got a new curb so the fire trucks could go by and new stop signs, plus Santa came in on a tug last week, plus Gunner's got a girl-friend from far far away in Blenheim...stay dialled in freaks!